


Love Me Tender

by destieldevotee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blow Jobs, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Gay Castiel, Gay Dean Winchester, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Vietnam War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 21:19:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7547611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destieldevotee/pseuds/destieldevotee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Castiel met each other by coincidence in a crowded diner. Their close friendship soon turned into something more, something profound. </p><p>They fell in love. </p><p>It was a dangerous yet beautiful type of love. It's a story of a love between two faithful men in the 1960's, a time when men loving men was unwanted and illegal. Forbidden. </p><p>It turned from happy moments and carefree fun to something more, a constant battle and struggle for acceptance and expressing their love without being seen or heard. Turmoil erupted along with sneaked glances and hidden touches. Dean and Castiel love each other, but will it be enough to keep them safe? Will it be enough for them to never give up and stick with each other?</p><p>Dean and Castiel loved each other tenderly; sweetly. It was a bittersweet kind of love and could be their ultimate downfall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning; this is similar to Twist and Shout, the fanfic that I'm sure most of you have read. It's not exactly the same, but I did gain inspiration from it to write this, most of the ideas in this came from myself, I just used some ideas in Twist and Shout to spark my own creativity because it was so beautiful, well-written and amazing. Also, this is a fanfic version of a short story that I had written with my own characters. Here's the link to where you can find that version if you wish to read it. Though it's not really that different:  
> https://www.wattpad.com/story/78962471-love-me-tender  
> ALSO, if it randomly says "Caspar" please ignore it. That was the name in the other version and when I edited it, I looked through and erased where it said Caspar and put "Cas"  
> Okay, enjoy! sorry if I make you cry, you have been warned. This gets very angsty as you go on.

**October, 1967**

_ Noise. _

Dean was ambushed with chatter and racket the second he stepped inside the quaint, little diner. It was different from the peaceful atmosphere on the outside. Waiters were bustling, people were chewing while conversing and food was cooking. There was a classic song playing as usual on a record player.

In a small town like this there weren’t many diners; so everyone usually came to this one since it was the most popular, or down to another if this specific one was too crowded. Today was no different. Crowded, as usual.

“Dean!”

He turned at the sound of someone with a southern accent yelling out his name. He smiled as he saw Ellen heading towards him, with a menu in her hand. Ellen was a regular waitress that worked here, they were as close of friends as a customer and employer could get. He regularly comes in, and they occasionally chat.

When one lives in a small town like this, it’s not uncommon to get to know the customers or employers. One would see one another every day, they’re bound to know things about one another.

“Hey Ellen, how’s your day been?” He greeted her politely. She chuckled and shrugged.

“Oh, busy as ever. Your usual seat is taken right now, is it okay if I place you in front of the counter?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah that’s fine, I understand how busy it can get.”

Ellen muttered something along the lines of ‘you have no idea.’ Then she leads him over to the counter and placed a menu down, though he didn’t exactly need one since he usually always gets the same thing. Ellen seemed to remember that. “Same order as usual?” She asked.

Dean nodded.

Ellen scribbled it down then placed it on top of a window that looks into the kitchen, then scurried away to get back to work.

Dean sat down onto the stool and set his arms on top of the counter. Looking to his left, he noticed someone sitting next to him, a man, munching on a burger. He had dark brown-blackish hair. It seemed naturally tousled and short, he noticed the ends curled by is ear.

Dean didn’t recognize him, he knew almost everyone’s face in the small town of Staunton, Virginia. But he didn’t recognize this face, even though he could only see the side of the man’s head and facial features.

“Hey, are from around here?” He asked, turning towards the man, attempting to spark up a conversation.

The man turned towards Dean and squinted his eyes, probably curious and confused as to why he was being spoken to, in a way that was a little too adorable for someone his age. Which, Dean was guessing was around his own age. Probably in his early-20’s. His face looked smooth and free from wrinkles or child-like features.

“No, I just moved here from New York City.” The man said in a surprisingly gravelly tone of voice, not explaining any further. Dean raised his eyebrows inquisitively but didn’t push him to answer all his nosy questions that he wanted to ask.

“Ah, that’s a big change of scenery. I’m Dean by the way, Dean Winchester.” Dean held his hand out.

The man shook his hand, his grip firm and his hand soft not exactly how Dean expected. It had looked as if it would feel rough, his hands seemed masculine and large a little like his own. Dean pulled his hand away after a few seconds, feeling flushed.

“Indeed, though the city wasn’t doing much for me so I decided to move to a smaller town.” The man shrugged and fiddled with the fabric of his shirt. Dean figured that there was more to that story but left it alone for now. “Oh and I’m Castiel Novak.” The man added.

Dean nodded and muttered an ‘ah.’ “Yeah, the city is a bit intimidating. With all the developin’ and buildin’ they’re doing, I suspect it’ll be hugely populated in a few years.” New York was already growing quickly from what he’s seen in the newspaper and such, Dean figured that it must be a good place to find jobs and homes. But, he didn’t need to go there for a job, he had one here. He worked as a mechanic and fixed up vehicles, it paid good money and that’s all he needs.

Cas nodded in agreement. “Yes, it was all bit too overwhelming for me. Living there isn’t as great and easy that people think of it to be.” He said then somewhat mumbled the last part, but Dean heard it.

“I see. Well welcome to Virginia, hope it suits you.” Dean said in a welcoming manner, grinning at Cas.

“Thank you. It does seem like a nice little town.” Cas smiled and sipped his beverage. Dean nodded in agreement, then took his hands off of the counter as Ellen placed the plate in front of him with the usual bacon burger and fries. Then, set his drink down.

“Here you go hon, just holler if you need anything else.” Ellen said, wiping her hands on her apron. Dean picked up a fry and popped it into his mouth.

“Thanks, it looks great as usual.” He shot her a grin and winked. Ellen seemed pleased, she placed a straw down, though he didn’t use it, then got back to work.

“You seem friendly with her.” Cas observed, staring at Dean while tilting his head in a curious manner. Once again, the action affected Dean in a captivating way. Any tiny little thing that Cas did was captivating, Dean couldn’t explain it. He barely knew the guy and he was already doing something to Dean.

Dean snorted then shrugged. “Yeah, well in a town like this it’s normal to be friendly like that with employees. It ain’t no New York City. Everyone knows everyone here.” He stated, chuckling while sipping his coke.

Though, what he didn’t tell Cas was that there was no need to worry about him being ‘too friendly’ with Ellen because he wasn’t her type. She was also older than him.

It was dangerous to mention his sexuality in public, it would endanger him of being thrown in prison or beaten up by homophobic civilians. It wasn’t a risk he was willing to take. As far as everyone in this town knew, he was into women.

Complete lies, but that’s what he had to do to stay safe. To keep his true self a secret from judgmental stares and harsh beatings.

“Oh, forgive me. I’m still so used to the New York living style. It wasn’t as mannerly and pleasant as here. At least, the part of the city in which I lived in.”

“Wow, was it really that bad?” Dean asked, biting into his burger.

Cas nodded. “Yeah, it wasn’t the best life. I only stayed long enough to finish college and get some money to move.”

“Ah, how old are you?”

“I’m twenty-four, just finished the summer of last year.”.

“Ain’t that ironic, we’re the same age. Though, why did you decide to move here now?” Dean was anxious that he was being too nosy, but his curiosity about this man was pestering him. Something about Cas intrigued him, he wanted to get to know him better, discover more.

Cas hesitated before answering, he had a sad and distant expression on his face. Dean mentally slapped himself, he knew he shouldn’t have asked that. He keeps forgetting that they were practically strangers, yet Dean felt strangely comfortable around Cas.

Darn his uncontrollable interest in this man.

But, Cas replied while wording his sentence carefully. “I wasn’t very wealthy, and I wanted to be sure I had enough money to get a vehicle and find a place to live.”

He paused and took a sip of his water.

“I worked for about a year then left town as soon as I had a plan.”

Dean was temporarily satisfied with that answer. He decided not to ask any more personal questions, his intention wasn’t to upset the guy. They were still in the middle of a crowded diner; this was no place to have these kind of conversations. At least, with someone he just met.

“Oh, that makes sense. I can relate since I didn’t come from a very rich upbringing either.” Dean said, recalling his past that was filled with struggles and unhappy memories. There were some good times, but a lot of it wasn’t that memorable. He tried not to let the past affect his future.

Cas had a look of empathy on his face, he understood. Dean felt comforted by that, that there was someone who could relate and had his same struggles.

“To screwed up lives.” Cas said, raising his drink. Dean raised his tall, rectangular glass and tapped it to Cas’s, then took a sip. Cas mimicked his action.

“You can say that again.” Dean muttered, letting out a breathy chuckle. He heard Cas grunt in agreement, then they didn’t speak for a couple seconds or minutes, indulging themselves in eating their delicious meal. They listened to the music playing in the background, and pretended they weren’t affected when their arms or elbows accidently brushed.

Dean saw Cas shuffling around beside him and looked over to see him putting money down beside his plate.

“You leaving?” He asked, turning in his stool as Cas stood up and slid his overcoat over his white long-sleeved button-up and suspenders. His clothes were baggy on him, Dean noticed. Cas had a somewhat lean, muscled figure. He seemed slim.

Dean averted his eyes, catching himself as he felt himself staring, a little longer than necessary. He rubbed his face, making a mental note to shave soon as he felt stubble forming on his cheeks.

“Yeah, I need to get back to my apartment and finish unpacking.” He said, standing by his stool. He seemed awkward and out of place as he hunched his shoulders and shuffled his feet. He stared at Dean.

Dean noticed that his eyes were a deep, blue color. It reminded him of the hue of the sky on a cloudless and sunny day. They were entrancing, Dean felt pulled just by staring into them.

“Oh, well I’m done here too. Would you mind if I accompanied you?” Dean threw down some dollar bills onto the counter then stood up and shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants. He realized that Cas might find it odd that Dean wanted to accompany him as if they were old friends, even though they just met not even an hour ago.

But, Dean couldn’t find himself to care about that at the moment, being too intent on wanting to spend time with Cas. He didn’t care if that sounded creepy either.

Cas squinted, looking curious. Dean picked up that the squinting of the eyes seemed to be an uncontrollable habit of his. An appealing quirk.

“I suppose not. I could use the company.” He half grinned while letting out a small chuckle.

“Awesome” He replied. They stepped outside of the diner as a cool breeze swept past. They walked side by side alongside the sidewalk, passing by antique shops and people. Some tipped their hats to Dean and waved or muttered a greeting. It was expected, since he knows most of the people who live in this town.

Cas hasn’t spoken, Dean didn’t know what to say either. He was usually good at this, starting up conversations and not walking in silence. But, now he was tongue tied for a reason that he didn’t know of.

Right when he was starting to gain the courage to speak, a woman who was walking the opposite direction stopped in front of them.

Dean internally groaned at who it was.

“Dean, hey!” Dean winced at her high-pitched voice, he had hoped he wouldn’t run into her again. Which, was silly to think since they live in the same town. Unfortunately. They had gone on a date a couple times, which were regrettable to Dean since he dislikes her. She’s conceited, bratty and annoying.

Dean wished he didn’t have to put up with all these women and dates, but being interested in women was something he had to do, it was expected of him. He couldn’t express his want for men.

No, he had to pretend to be someone he’s not and be with women. He wished that things were different, but society seemed to disagree with him.

He stole a glance at Cas and noticed him staring at her with furrowed eyebrows. Probably wondering who the hell she was.

“Hello Evelyn. How are you?” Dean faked politeness, hoping that she would take the hint and leave. Of course though that wouldn’t happen, she was clueless.

“I’m great! I was hoping I’d run into you.”

Just what Dean didn’t want.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I thought those other dates went well and I wanted to get together again.” Evelyn grinned and twirled her shoulder-length, curled brown hair. Dean wished he could tell her to stop the flirting because he didn’t wish to be with her. But he couldn’t do that, she might suspect something.

“I’ve been busy.” He shrugged, trying to carefully suggest that he didn’t want to have another date.

“Well I’ll be out of town for a few days, so how about some time next week?” She suggested, looking at him with hope. Dean sighed.

“Sure yeah.” He hoped his reply satisfied her.

It did.

Though, he doubted he’d remember. He hoped she wouldn’t either.

“Okay great! See you then.” She then walked around them and continued walking, while brushing up against Dean. He listened as she walked further away, her heels tapping rhythmically against the concrete.

He sighed, then groaned. “Finally. I thought she’d never leave.” Dean muttered to himself, then motioned to Cas for them to keep walking.

“You seem to dislike her.” Cas observed, looking over at him. Dean snorted, at least someone realized it.

“Yeah, I wish I never even met up with her but I didn’t exactly have a choice.” He said gruffly. She had cornered him one day and insisted they “get together”. He couldn’t exactly reject her since there was no reason to. If he was straight, she’d be an acceptable date.

He often felt like an animal being hunted, surrounded by predators. He had to be careful. One wrong move, the second he does something out of place, he’s done for. The predators would pounce and it’d be game over for him. It was like stepping on thin ice, or walking around broken glass. Difficult.

“Then why did you?” Cas asked curiously. Dean felt cornered. Half of him wished that Cas wouldn’t pester him about him, yet he also desired for him to continue to ask Dean about it. He wanted someone to tell his secret to, to confess his darkest desire. To touch and be with another man.

He wanted the weight to be lifted off of his shoulders, to tell someone and be lifted of this struggle. But, he didn’t know if he could trust Cas yet. He could hardly tell if Cas would be angered by Dean’s wants and sexuality. He couldn’t risk it, not yet.

“I felt pressured. She was cornering me and kept persisting.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either. She had been cornering him.

“But you obviously don’t like her. Why don’t you break it off?” Dean sighed.

“I just can’t, okay? It’s complicated.” He rubbed the back of his neck and glanced at Cas. He was biting his lip, seeming lost in thought.

“Oh alright, my apologies.” He said sincerely.

Dean waved it off. “It’s cool no worries, it’s just a messy situation.” He sighed, wishing he could just blurt it all out. It would be so easy; the words were right there. But, at the same time it would be the most difficult thing to do. Either he could take the risk or keep his mouth shut, a prisoner to a life of secrecy and silence; having to be with someone who he doesn’t love or want. A woman who would simply want a loving husband, then him not wanting her. But a different person.

He pitied the woman that he might end up with.

Dean decided to keep quiet for now.

“I can tell, I’m quite intrigued.”

“Maybe one day I’ll elaborate and tell you more.” He did want to, but he just had to be sure first that Cas could be trusted, that he wouldn’t tell people and have him put in prison or some other awful thing.

“Good.” That’s all he said, then they walked in silence again. They passed by more shops and not-too-big buildings. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable. Around them, couples or groups of people were chatting, an occasional bird chirped. Engines roared as cars drove past them on the road.

They were content, not knowing what to say but knowing that once they spoke again, their conversation would flow easily. It was comfortable.

Cas lead Dean around a corner and onto a street. They strolled along until they came upon an apartment building. Dean halted beside Cas.

“You live here?” He asked, staring up at it.

Cas nodded. “Yes.”

“Funny, I live here too. Don’t know why I didn’t realize where we were heading.” He had been absorbed with thoughts and the company of Cas that he hadn’t noticed where they were heading.

“Really? That’s nice.”

Dean nodded in agreement. This worked out better now that he knew they lived in the same building, made things easier.

“Would you like to help me unpack? I could use it.” Cas asked slowly, as if wondering if asking that was too much. One doesn’t normally ask someone they just met to help them out with that, but Dean didn’t mind.

“Sure, it’s no problem.” He was always happy to help out.

They walked through the tall, wooden door and climbed up the steps leading to different floors. Dean lived on the second floor, Cas was on the fourth.

“Damn, how did you manage to get all your things up here? Must’ve been tiring with all these stairs.” Dean was breathless by the time they came upon the fourth floor, from walking a long way then climbing a large number of stairs. He admired Cas for being able to climb these every day.

Cas shrugged. “I took up one or two boxes at a time and had some people help out with bringing heavier things up. It certainly wasn’t easy, took almost a whole day.” They walked along a hall and stopped in front a door.

“I bet. It seems like a struggle, hauling all those things up here.”

“Certainly, I’m just glad it’s done.”

Cas stuck the key into the hole and unlocked the door, then pushed it open. Dean strolled in after Cas and took a look around. There were boxes piled around the room and in other rooms that he could see. There was the occasional piece of furniture set up in places.

“Sorry about the mess, I’m still trying to fix it up.” Cas took off his overcoat and threw it onto the couch then rolled up his sleeves.

“It’s fine, we’ll have it looking great in no time.” He gave Cas a reassuring smile then went to the pile of boxes and grabbed one to open it. It was labeled ‘Books, Art and Other Things’.

“Wait, would you like to listen to something?” Dean looked over to see Cas setting up a record player, with a couple boxes beside it labeled ‘Music (Fragile).’

“Sure, I’m cool with anything.”

A moment later a song was playing, drifting through the small apartment.

_ Love me tender, love me sweet. Never let me go. _

Dean listened to the beginning of the song and softly smiled.

“Ah Elvis, good choice.” He commented. He wondered if Cas chose this song on purpose, or if he just liked it.

“Yes, I love his music. His songs are soft-toned and nice. They’re captivating.”

He had a look of happiness, his eyes were soft and warm as he spoke about his favorite songs and his love for certain singers. Dean’s heart fluttered at the sight, he looked at peace. He felt at peace too, just by listening to him talk about the things he loved. Dean could listen to him for minutes, hours. He still wouldn’t get tired or bored. It was all happening so fast, these emotions and feelings of endearment.

“I agree.”

They unpacked boxes together and began placing things where they need to go. When Dean didn’t know where Cas wanted a certain thing, he’d ask him, then Cas would point out a good place to set it.

They worked in mostly silence, just the sound of songs playing in the background to ease the silence. Then the occasional engine outside or noise coming from another apartment.

Dean was done with a box, so he opened another without reading the label. Inside were pictures and frames. He picked one up and studied it. It seemed to be a younger version of Cas. He was awkwardly standing between some other men, his shoulders hunched and attempting to smile.

Dean smiled, it was oddly cute.

“What do you have there?” Dean looked up and saw Cas walking towards him, wiping his face that had become sweaty from moving around and carrying things.

“A picture. It was in a box that I just opened. Who are these other guys?” He asked, showing him the picture that was held in a simple, rectangular frame.

Cas frowned and glanced at the picture, Dean could see different emotions pass over his face. Sadness, anger, nostalgia.

“Nobody, they’re not in my life anymore.” Cas’s tone of voice was firm and gruff; it was obvious he didn’t want to explain further on what he meant.

“Oh, sorry to hear.” He didn’t know what else to say, since it seemed that it wouldn’t be appropriate to ask questions.

“You can put it back in the box. I don’t even know why I bothered to pack those pictures. It was stupid.” His low voice was full of regret and bitterness; Dean could only wonder what had happened to make Cas so hateful of these people in the pictures.

Dean carefully set the picture back down and shut the box, not bringing it up again.

Working to unpack everything for another hour or two, they occasionally chatted with each other and made conversation to distract themselves. Dean learned a lot about Cas, as Cas learned more things about Dean. They don’t call themselves strangers anymore to each other.

Dean learned Cas’s hobbies, favorite things, interests, favorite subjects etc. Cas wants to be an artist, he enjoys literature, his favorite food is pasta.

Also, he hates talking about his family and personal background. Dean knew nothing about that, only his personality and interests or things he enjoyed to do. The past was left unspoken of. But, Dean understood and accepted Cas’s reluctance to speak about it. Dean was the same about his past, he didn’t like to speak of it. The past brought back bad memories, one’s which he was fine being pushed to the back of his mind.

Finally, they fell back onto the couch, extremely tired from doing so much physical activity without stopping.  

“You hungry? I could make something.” Dean heard Cas ask after a few seconds.

“Yeah I could eat.” Dean sat up straight as Cas got up again, stretching his muscles.

“Let me see what I’ve got.” Cas mumbled, then walked into the kitchen to search for food to make.

Dean glanced around the room, satisfied with the work they did today. Paintings and pieces of art were hanging on the walls now; some furniture was moved around properly. The couch was placed in front of a television set, with a coffee table in between the two pieces of furniture. There was also a rug placed down.

Other stuff was unpacked in the kitchen. Silverware, plates and pots were put away. They had also put some records and books onto some shelves.

It felt and looked like home.

“I didn’t find much since I just moved in, but I could make a grilled cheese sandwich for us.” Cas said, standing in the doorway of the kitchen, leaning onto the wall and staring at Dean.

Dean rubbed his chin and got up. “Sounds good to me.”

He followed Cas back into the kitchen and sat down in a wooden chair at the small, round table. He watched Cas move back and forth, getting the right ingredients to make the food, then moving to the stove to prepare and cook the meal. Dean couldn’t help but smile to himself, nor could he help his mind wander to the possibility of him and Cas being together one day possibly. Happily, without fear.

Cas cooking for Dean, then them eating together at the small table while Elvis played in the background. The two of them having a life together, freely in love without consequence and doing things together as a couple. The thought of that caused Dean’s heart to flutter, he wanted it. But not just with any man, but with Cas.

It’s only been a day since they met, but it felt like they’ve known each other for months or years. It was easy, comfortable. Dean felt happy and at peace with Cas. He didn’t know what the future holds for him, but he hopes that Cas is in it, with him.

With all these sudden thoughts about Cas, Dean strangely didn’t feel scared by them. He let the thoughts and feelings in, not trying to stop it.

“It’s ready!” Cas’s voice thrust Dean back into reality. He had been lost in thought, staring blankly ahead but not focusing on anything in particular.

“Awesome.”

Cas set down a plate in front of him, with a delicious looking grilled cheese sandwich. Then, he set one down for himself.

“Would you like a drink?”

“I’ll just have water.”

Cas came back with two glasses of water then put them down. They sat and ate their food, both very hungry from everything they did today. Both hadn’t eaten since they ate at David’s Diner earlier near noon.

“This is great Cas.” Dean moaned, taking another bite. Dean definitely wanted to marry him someday now that he knew Cas could cook.

Cas shrugged and chuckled. “Thank you, I’m glad you like it. Though I’m not really that much of a cook.”

“Are you kidding? This is the best grilled cheese sandwich I’ve ever had.” Maybe he was exaggerating a bit, but it truly was delicious. Dean wondered how Cas could think he wasn’t a good cook.

“That’s good to hear.” Cas seemed pleased and slightly flustered from the compliment. Dean felt proud to be the one to make him feel comforted.

They exchanged words again, keeping the conversation light and small. Dean asked him why he likes to paint.

“It soothes me, and is kind of therapeutic in a way. Painting things on a canvas helps me capture emotion and break down what I feel, whether it’s random splashes of colors or something planned and purposefully meaningful. I’ve always enjoyed art, and it truly is something beautiful. There’s always a story behind a picture or colors put together. Always.”

Dean felt pulled by his answer, it was filled with emotion and truth. He loved how much Cas loved painting and expressing himself through scenes. He admired Cas’s passion and talent, it was truly amazing.

Cas even showed him some of his paintings. Dean understood what Cas meant. They were filled with raw emotion and he could actually feel the type of vibes coming from it. He could almost feel what Cas had felt when he had painted them.

One was an abstract painting, another was a mixture of colors that described an emotion; anger, pain and sadness. Some others were paintings of nature and certain types of scenarios, each one held a different meaning and never had the same details.

Each was unique.

They spent the rest of the night watching a black and white show on the small, square television. For some of the time, they spoke to each other with hushed voices. Then the other half of the time was spent watching the moving pictures on the screen without speaking, but stealing glances at each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking.

It was a spectacular night, it almost seemed like a date.

Eventually, it was late and Dean needed to get back to his own apartment. A part of him wanted to ask if he could stay the night, but he thought against it.

He didn’t want to leave.

Dean stood up and stretched, Cas looked up at him and squinted. “Where are you going?”

“I’ve got to go, it’s pretty late.” It was past midnight already; they had spent almost the entire day together.

“Oh right.” Cas stood up and walked Dean to the door then opened it. They both stood by the opened door, neither wanting to leave each other, but not admitting it.

“Today was fun, we should hangout again sometime.” Dean hoped that wasn’t too forward and lame.

To his delight, Cas nodded in agreement. “Yes, I had a nice time. It was lovely meeting you.”

Dean agreed then patted his back and grinned. “‘Night Cas, see you later.”

Dean walked out and shut the door, but he still heard the soft “goodnight” before it closed.

Once Dean walked into his apartment, he did his nightly routine then fell onto his bed, crawled under the covers and went straight to sleep. His dreams were filled with a dreamy blue-eyed man and dark, pleasing desires. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**December, 1967**

Love wasn’t something Dean had believed in, not for a while.

When he was young, people would talk about how men couldn’t love men, how it was wrong and sinful. They’d toss the word love around carelessly, not truly appreciating the feeling or meaning. When his father was horribly drunk, he would beat Dean and tell him that he’s unloved or that he’s worthless, that he doesn’t know what love is. That he hates him because every time he looked at Dean, it would remind him of his wife who had died when Dean was eight.

He’d date girls and try to prove himself, try to fit in, but it didn’t work. He never felt a love towards anybody but his mother. Women wouldn’t fulfil his desires nor did he ever fall in love with one. He didn’t know what love felt like, not truly. He discovered that he was interested in men when he was around fifteen or so. Yet, he never fell in love with one. Sure, he had crushes. But, he was never close enough with a man to fall in love, especially since he’s never dated one before.

But now, knowing Cas and being his friend for almost two months, he was sure that he was in love. Dean didn’t know when exactly he had fallen in love with Cas. Maybe it was right when he laid his eyes upon him, or maybe it was when they ate a grilled cheese sandwich in Cas’s small and dimly-lit kitchen. Maybe it was when they had gone to a festival and Dean had admired him under the moonlight. Maybe, Dean fell in love during all those times he watched and observed Cas, admiring his beauty and features. Those times when Dean would talk with Cas, seeing his face express happiness and love for certain things, or how easily they flowed together.

Point is, that Dean is completely and profoundly in love with Castiel Novak.

He was certain at this point.

At first, he wasn’t sure how to know if it was love. He got sweaty and nervous when Cas was around, he became sad and lonely when Cas wasn’t around. He constantly longed for Cas’s company, he missed him every second they were apart. Cas was constantly on his mind, he would smile whenever he saw Cas and would never want to be apart or look away from him. His heart fluttered, he blushed easily around him, he was happiest and at peace when around Cas.

Eventually, he knew. It was love.

They spent the last two and a half months growing closer, becoming more infatuated with each other. Whenever they hung out in public or sat a little too close at the diner, Dean felt like everybody was watching, judging.

They weren’t doing anything wrong, just two male friends hanging out. But, Dean couldn’t help but think that people were assuming things, becoming suspicious. But, thankfully nobody has said anything.

The anxious thoughts that someone had figured him out didn’t stop Dean from hanging around Cas, nothing would.

They had spent Halloween night together, watching horror movies on Cas’s small television. Then, they had spent thanksgiving together, cooking and laughing in Cas’s apartment, making memorable memories. It was the best memory of the holidays that Dean had, since his past one’s weren’t anything special.

Recently, they had spent Christmas day together. Cas helped him bake cookies, they exchanged gifts, ate at the diner, and chatted each other’s ears off. One gift in particular that Dean received was a well-drawn sketch of his face, going down to his shoulders and neck that Cas had accomplished. Dean was impressed and amazed with how good Cas had captured his features.

His freckles were clear and dotted along his nose and cheeks, his green eyes and jaw line were almost perfectly similar to his own, and the hair on the sketch was the same as Dean’s brown, cropped hair. Not completely shaved and not too short, but enough hair for someone to run their hands through it and tousle it.

Dean had hugged Cas tightly, he felt warm and nice. Dean wanted to hug him forever. They fit together, like missing pieces to a puzzle.

Overall, the whole day left Dean feeling happy and content.

Now it was New Year's Eve, and they were spending it together just as they spent the last two months in each other’s company.

Neither minded.

“I can’t believe it’s close to the new year already.” Cas commented from lounging on the floor while sketching something in a blank, paper-filled pad. They were lounging in Dean’s apartment, not exactly doing anything planned. Nothing was rushed. The atmosphere was relaxed and at ease.

“Yeah, time sure does fly.”

That’s how the morning and afternoon was spent, comfortably doing whatever they pleased and occasionally talking and starting conversations, then going back to silence.

The phone that was set on top of a small table started ringing, startling both. Dean got up and groaned as he walked over to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey Dean!”

He recognized it to be the voice of someone he knew from where he worked.

“What’s up Robert?”

“I’m having a get together at my place tonight, you want to come?”

Dean thought about it for a moment. It may be nice to get out, but one glance over at Cas, sprawled out on the carpet sketching something, his decision was immediately made.

“No thanks sorry, I’ve got plans tonight.”

He heard a sigh of disappointment on the other end of the phone.

“Alright, that’s too bad. Talk to you later.”

“Yeah, bye Robert.”

He hung up and went back over to the armchair and sat down.

“What was that about?” Cas asked casually, not looking away from the paper that he was concentrating on.

“Oh nothing, a buddy of mine at the car shop invited me for a ‘get together’ tonight. I declined.”

Cas then looked up at Dean at squinted confusingly. “Why?”

He shrugged. “Didn’t feel like it. Plus, I’d rather spend it with someone I actually care about.”

Cas blushed, Dean grinned. “Dean we’ve spent nearly every day together.”

“So?”

“Good point.”

Cas didn’t argue against Dean not going out any longer because even though he wouldn’t admit it out loud, he liked the idea of spending more time with Dean. Of having him to himself, his undivided attention. It made him happy inside that Dean chose him over a mechanic buddy.

They did their own thing for another couple minutes, both having things on their mind.

“Got any plans for us to do tonight?” Cas asked.

Dean didn’t hesitate before answering.

“Buy liquor and get drunk.”

Both were happy with that.

Dean went out later and got some fresh beers and alcohol for them. After Cas heard the engine of Dean’s motorcycle start then drift off as he sped down the street, he took some alone time to gather his thoughts.

Soon, Dean came back with a bag full of bottles.

It was evening now; a Beatles song was playing on the record player. Dean and Cas were sitting on Dean’s bed, playing a card game.

“Dammit! Why are you so good at this?” Dean threw down his cards and rubbed a hand over his face frustratingly.

Cas laughed, throwing his head back. “I’m just lucky I guess.”

Dean could’ve sworn that he heard a hint of a flirtation in his words.

Seeing Cas laugh and smile brightly instantly caused Dean’s ‘sore loser’ attitude to vanish. Knowing that Cas was happy made him happy, he couldn’t explain it. He felt intoxicated around Cas, he could get drunk just off of being around him, staring and conversing.

Dean gathered the cards and put them away, they’d already had played four rounds.

“We gonna get drunk now?” Cas asked, watching as Dean put the cards into the drawer of his nightstand.

“It’s almost like you read my mind.” Dean grinned at went to grab the alcohol. He came back and left the door open so the music could flow in from the record player. He had changed it and put on a softer and less upbeat song.

The sound of Elvis filled the apartment.

Dean handed Cas a bottle, then got one for himself.

“To a probably crappy new year.” Dean raised his bottle to Cas’s.

They both laughed then chugged. Dean felt at ease, feeling the liquid run down his throat, slightly burning, slightly numbing him.

This went on for a few minutes or maybe longer. They gulped down bottles, both feeling as light as a feather and completely relaxed. They laughed and chatted with each other, not thinking about anyone else but each other. When in the other’s company, they didn’t think about anyone else. It was about them and their friendship.

“You remember that picture? I’ve decided I want to come clean about my family.”

Dean blinked in surprise at Cas’s sudden thought. He didn’t know if Cas was saying this because of the buzz that the alcohol gave him, or if it was a conscious decision he had made without the influence of the alcohol.

“...Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Dean nodded and leaned back against the side of the bed, looking over at Cas who was sitting in front of him, leaning back against the wall. They had moved down to the floor a little after they started drinking, Dean couldn’t remember why.

Dean listened intently, only focusing on the man in front of him.

“My family... They weren’t the best. I had four other siblings, three of them were male, the other was a female. My parents weren’t all there. My mother was a depressed and unhappy alcoholic, she had caused our father to abandon us and take off. His excuse was that we ‘weren’t making him happy enough and he wasn’t satisfied with this family.’”

Dean already wanted to hug Cas, but he kept listening and stayed still.

“I had gotten up one morning when I was ten and went downstairs to find out that my father had taken off during the night, and he wasn’t coming back. I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty upset. From then on, we had to take care of ourselves, since our mother was neglectful.”

He paused and took a deep breath then continued. Not once has he looked up from staring down at the floor, fiddling with the cap from his bottle.

“My brothers were older than me. One was three years older, the other two were six years older. They were twins. Then, my little sister was three years younger, I had taken the responsibility to look after her since nobody else was going to. The others were too busy looking after themselves, I don’t even think they cared about me or her.”

Cas wiped his eyes. His voice started to tremble.

“My mother… She beat us sometimes. She’d spout nonsense about how it was ‘our fault’ and how we ruined everything. She wasn’t in her right mind, she was drugged up on alcohol and other harmful things most of the time. She may have been my mother but she was never a parent.”

Cas kept talking, not noticing that Dean had crawled beside him and wrapped an arm around him, attempting to comfort him.

“It was horrible. I’d have to find ways to feed Anna, my sister. I’d have to look after her while trying to look after myself. It wasn’t easy at all. But, then the day came where I completely failed and I beat myself up over it every day.”

Tears were streaming down his face now.

“I wanted to do something for her, take her out and let her have fun. I thought ‘what could go wrong?’ I had taken her into town and showed her shops and things. She saw a toy train in the window of a store, she had told me; “Castiel, I want to see a real train!” How could I deny that one wish with a sweet face like hers? So, I took her down to the train tracks and we stood by and waited for a train to come. I just wanted to please her. S-So soon the train had come, and we were both in the moment of things. She was excited and I was excited for her, I didn’t notice it until it was too late. She had run off … A-And went right in front of the train.”

Cas was shaking, stuttering and sniffling. Dean was holding him close, his arms wrapped securely around Cas’s waist, their bodies pressed together. Dean felt the tears coming, hearing Cas talk with such emotion and pain, revealing his whole heartbreaking backstory to him, was causing him to choke up.

“I-I tried to stop her, I really did. I ran, I ran as fast as my thin legs would carry me. I yelled at her to stop, but she couldn’t hear me. The roar of the engine was too loud; I could barely hear myself. Then, it happened. The train hit her at full speed, not stopping once. I saw it, I-I saw it all. Her body flung and twisted. By the time I got to her, she was dead and crippled. It was all my fault; I couldn’t stop it. I had one job, and that was to protect Anna, but I failed. I f-failed.”

Dean held him still, knowing no words he said would make this better. Holding Cas close was the only comfort he could give.

“My brothers and mother found out. T-They yelled at me, beat me, verbally and physically almost every day after. It was horrible, they blamed me. They blamed it all on me. But it’s okay because I blamed myself too. Then my mother, she told me “how could you be so reckless! You killed my only daughter. You’re a murdered Castiel, a killer!” Then she kicked me out. I didn’t know where to go, I was homeless and alone. All I had with me was the guilt of Anna’s death.”

He took a few more breaths, attempting to calm himself. His voice was strained and full of pain.

“I lived in shelter homes for a while until a family took me in. I was seventeen years old. They cared for me and gave me shelter, I was grateful. But eventually, they found something out. They had caught me doing something horrible and sinful in their eyes and had kicked me out. I had stupidly brought a guy back and we were making out in my room, they saw it, discovered that I’m gay and had yelled at me to get out. To pack my things and leave. They said “we can’t have a dirty sinner living in our home.” So I left and was homeless again.”

Cas sniffled, no longer having the tears or energy to cry. Dean still held him, but his grip had loosened.

“I lived in different shelter homes, then finally was able to get a job. Eventually, I started taking classes and was able to complete college. After that, I worked for another year or so to gain more money. As soon as I had enough, I left town and came here.”

Cas finished speaking. They were quiet for a few moments, Dean rubbing Cas’s back soothingly while holding him, then Cas regaining his composure and wiping his tear-stained face.

Dean thought of something to say, he didn’t think the words “I’m sorry that happened” would do any good since Dean knew how little comfort they provided. It didn’t mean anything to people who experienced situation like his and Cas’s.

“I understand how you feel, it hurts me so much to know you went through that. But trust me, I won’t ever do the same to you, and I promise that you’ll be safe with me, I won’t let you get hurt again like that, or in any way.”

Dean couldn’t bear the thought of Cas getting hurt like that, he hated seeing Cas in pain. Dean told himself that he would keep Cas safe. He closed his eyes and kissed the top of Cas’s head, letting his lips momentarily rest on top of Cas’s soft and messy hair.

“Thank you, that means a lot to hear, I believe you. But, if I may ask, what happened to you, to have you understand how I feel?” Cas’s voice was croaky and soft, most likely worn out from crying and talking.

Dean hesitated, wondering if he should say. They’ve had enough emotion for one night. But, Dean figured it was only fair, and that it would help them gain closure.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes.”

Dean sighed then thought about where to start, he sat straight against the wall and took one arm off of Cas, but kept the other wrapped around his shoulder.

“At first, my life was fairly okay. I had a mother who loved me, but my father wasn’t all there. He loved my mother, and I have early memories of us being a happy family together, of no drama or painful times. But, he was troubled. There were moments where he’d yell at my mother, or yell at me for sometimes no reason at all. He’d stumble in late and drunk, then I’d hear him and my mother fighting followed with slamming doors and sometimes crashing plates or vases. It wasn’t until I was eight when things got really bad.”

He took a breath and attempted to mentally prepared himself for the painful memories that were going to come back.

“I was at a friend’s house, and my mother was coming to pick me up. While she was driving over, a truck had run into her vehicle. She died on impact apparently. My dad was notified; he came to get me from my friend’s house. We drove to the hospital, and that’s when he told me what had happened.”

He clenched his teeth.

“He told me… That she had been pregnant with my unborn brother.”

Cas squeezed his hand.

“After that day, he wasn’t really the same. Or well, he got worse. He’d leave for a day, or sometimes days, I’d have to take care of myself, feed myself and basically grow up by myself. My dad, when he was there, he was either ignoring me, yelling at me or beating me. It wasn’t the best lifestyle but I survived. I ended up having to drop out of high school, I didn’t have the money to keep going unfortunately. I spent my days scavenging for money and trying to make it into adulthood. Once I did, I was able to get a job as a mechanic here.”

He paused.

“It may not have been as painful as your experience, but it definitely was a struggle, still is.”

Cas removed his head from Dean’s shoulder and glanced at him.

“Oh, that sounds awful. I guess we can both say that we didn’t have the best childhoods… I’m glad I met you, this is the first time where I’ve been able to relate to someone like this. Or well-connected like this with someone.” Cas rambled, trying to get out what he wanted to say without sounding too awkward. But, Dean understood. He smiled.

“Me too Cas. Me too.”

They sat in silence once more for a few minutes, downing the last of their liquor and getting lost in thoughts of the past and each other. It hurt, but not as much. They felt better now that they confessed their secrets and backstory to each other, they felt closer.

“You know, there’s another thing I can relate to in your experience.”

Cas glanced at him. “What’s that?”

“The sexuality thing. I’m gay too. It’s definitely not an easy thing to be in a time like this. People are harsh and non-accepting and people like us have to hide and be someone we’re not. We have to live a life of silence and secrecy, all because there are people out there who think it’s wrong and sinful. Hell, if I want to hook up or fall in love with a man I should be able to.”

He felt Cas grab his hand, an action most likely meant to comfort. Or better yet, show affection. It was intimate, Dean liked it.

“Exactly, I know how you feel. It truly is a miserable life to live in this kind of society. If I could choose to either have a million dollars, or be with the guy I’m in love with, I’d choose the latter because that’s more important to me.”

Dean mumbled in agreement, then froze.

“Are you… In love with someone?” He asked, not letting go of Cas’s hand, but holding it tighter.

Cas hesitated before answering. He turned towards Dean. Dean shifted to face him, their hands still clasped in the middle of them, their knees touching. Blue eyes met green one’s. They stared, then Cas spoke.

“Yeah… You.”

Cas shut his eyes, as if fearing Dean’s expression or reaction.

Dean though, felt nothing but happiness. The man who he loves, loves him back. He couldn’t care about society or what the people would think in the moment. All that mattered was Cas. His sweet Castiel.

“Really? That’s ironic because I’m in love with  _ you _ .”

Cas opened his eyes again, but instead of fear and disappointment they were filled with tears and joy.

Both smiled, and both didn’t need to say anything else. Their eyes spoke a thousand words, staring intensely and lovingly into the each other’s. Slowly, they leaned towards one another, their bodies shifting closer, their hands clasping and squeezing tighter.

Their lips met halfway, fireworks exploded inside of Dean. It was the best feeling he’s ever had. They moved on instinct, smacking and moving their lips together, their mouths fitting on each other’s.

They completed each other. In every single way. Dean was positive Cas was the one for him, there was nobody else who could make him feel this way.

Their bodies moved to lie down, Dean laying his weight on top of Cas, their hands still intertwined together, lying above both their heads. Their mouths moved together without having to think, their breaths, whimpers and grunts and groans mixed in with each other’s. Their hands eventually grabbed and felt at each other’s hair, desperately tugging each other closer. Nothing else was on their mind as they got lost in heat and passion, exploring and pleasuring each other.

The pain and sadness of their past was washed away, the judgmental words and harsh opinions of the people of society were forgotten as they got lost in a drunken night of passion and love. But, none of it would be forgotten the next morning, not any amount of alcohol consumed would cause them to forget everything that was said and done on this night.

Dean was content with how the year ended and didn’t want it to end any other way. He made a promise to himself that night, that he would never let anything happen to Cas and that they’d stick with each other no matter what got in their way. They’d get through it, because one would always stay by the person they’re in love with.

His resolution into the next year, was to be with Cas and not let people’s hate for gay men to get in the way. Even if they had to have a secret relationship, it was worth it. Dean only wanted to be with Cas and to be able to love him, it didn’t matter to him if they had to hide that.

As long as they were happy and together, out of sight from the people of this town, nothing else mattered and everything would be okay in Dean’s mind.

They fell asleep, wrapped up in each other's arms, their legs entangled. Not an inch of space was left between them. They went to sleep, each with a smile on their face. For once, they were truly happy. They were finally in the arms of the one they love. When they woke up in the morning, the passion and love was still there. Everything was still remembered and they spent the day wrapped up in each other, not letting a minute go to waste in each other’s company. In that moment, everything was perfect.

They helped and healed each other, filling the void of sadness and pain. All that was left was love and happiness. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**June, 1968**

Dean woke up, feeling warm. He opened an eye and instantly smiled when he saw the body of his lover lying beside him, snuggled up into his chest. He lay there for a moment and let himself enjoy the moment. It was peaceful, the birds were chirping outside, it seemed like there were no problems. Just waking up in the morning with the man he loves beside him. It was a good feeling, and he wished it would last. But, soon reality hits him and they’re thrown back into a life of secrecy and troubles. It was stressful, but Dean put up with it, for the sake of his relationship with Cas. He loves him too much to merely give up and surrender.

It’s been six months since they got together. Six months of hidden kisses and hand holding, of sneaking around and pretending to be nothing but old pals in public. Six months of being finally having Cas.

He wanted to do something special, go somewhere. Six months isn’t too long of a time to be with someone. But, for them, it was an accomplishment. They were two gay men in a town where being their sexuality is illegal. They’ve been sneaking around and hiding their relationship for six whole months. That was an accomplishment for people like him, he didn’t know how long most relationships like his lasted, but he knew they weren’t for long.

Cas stirred beside him, then sleepily opened his eyes. He smiled at the sight of Dean.

“Mornin’ babe.” Dean pulled Cas close and kissed him while caressing his face and skin. They lazily kissed for a few moments, savoring the feel and taste of each other, then pulled apart and simply stared into each other’s eyes. They had made a habit of doing that, staring without speaking. Just by glancing at each other, they spoke many silent conversations. It was their thing.

“I love you.” Cas said, resting his head on Dean’s naked chest. Dean rubbed Cas’s back lovingly.

“Love you too.”

They got up and went through their morning routine together, Cas keeps extra toiletries in Dean’s apartment since he’s there a lot.

They often switch off. Sometimes Dean will stay at Cas’s, then other times Cas will stay at Dean’s place. Each night, they wished to be in bed with one another because being without each other was too hard. They missed the feel of each other when they were, rarely, away.

Dean was fine with that. He didn’t care which apartment they stayed in, all that mattered was that he was with Cas.

Cas made each of them a stack of pancakes, since Dean admitted he wasn’t the cook in the relationship.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist and nuzzled his neck, but was sent away when Cas said that he couldn’t concentrate on cooking the breakfast. Dean sat at his rectangular table and did what he enjoyed to do while Cas was cooking, watch him. It put Dean at ease.

Soon, they were both sitting at the table, eating their pancakes while occasionally smiling at each other.

“I was thinkin’... Would you want to do something? Or, go somewhere?” Dean figured he might as well bring it up.

Cas looked up from staring at his plate and squinted.

“Go where? For what?”

“I just thought, since we’ve been together for six months without anything bad happening, we can take a trip to relax and celebrate.”

Cas thought about it for a moment, considering the possibilities and such. Then he nodded and shrugged.

“I suppose we could do that, it’ll be nice to take get out of this town for a bit.”

Dean grinned “Exactly! Do you have any place in mind that you would want to go to?”

“I kind of want to visit Disneyland if it’s no trouble.”

Dean didn’t have to think about it. “Disneyland it is. We’ll leave this weekend.”

“What about your job?”

“I’m have to go in today, I’ll notify them that I’ll be out of town.”

Cas seemed satisfied with that. “Okay.”

They finished their breakfast, then Dean went to get dressed into his work clothes.

He walked out of the room in a black t-shirt, jeans and boots to see Cas sitting on the couch and watching something on the television.

Cas turned at the sound of Dean’s boots walking across the room.

“Look at this, it’s horrible.” He said, motioning towards the screen. It was showing what was happening in the Vietnam war, it was getting pretty bloody and scary lately apparently.

“It’s a damn tragedy. I just hope I’m not drafted anytime soon.”

He wanted to be able to spend more time with Cas, Dean didn’t care if that sounded selfish. He knew that any day, they could be caught and it would be over between them. He wanted to cherish his time with Cas and be with him every second of the day.

Cas turned towards him, wide-eyed. “Oh gosh, I forgot about that. What if you get drafted? What are you gonna do?”

Dean sighed, looking towards a wall and biting his lip. “I’ll have to report to duty and fight.”

Cas wanted to argue, to tell him he doesn’t have to, that they could run off and avoid it all. But he knew it was illogical to do so. Dean was right. If he was drafted, he didn’t have a choice.

Dean walked closer to Cas and leaned down from behind the couch and wrapped his arms around him and kissed his cheek, then his neck.

“It’s gonna be alright. I might not get drafted, who knows. But even if I do, I will come back alive. I’ll fight Cas, for you. I’ll come back and nothing will change, we’ll still be together and madly in love. Okay?”

He rubbed soothing circles on Cas’s chest, and rested his head in the crook of Cas’s neck. Dean felt Cas take his hand and kiss his knuckles.

“Yeah alright, I trust you.”

Dean smiled against Cas’s skin then got up and leaned around to peck his lips.

“I’ll be back soon, love you.”

He walked towards the door while grabbing his keys, then walked out just as he heard Cas yell out an “I love you.”

Once he got to his workplace, he parked his motorcycle then hopped off and got to work.

He worked many hours on his shift, fixing up broken vehicles and dealing with frustrating customers. Sometimes he let the thought run through his head that he didn’t get paid enough for this.

One person had come in whining about a dent on their car, and wanted it gone immediately. They expected Dean to just drop everything and work on their car as if it was a personal favor. Dean has explained to the man that he’ll work on it later, or to ask someone who isn’t busy. But they just kept persisting.

The dent wasn’t even that bad.

Dean ended up fixing it just to get them to shut their mouth.

He was tired already and just wanted to go home and be with Cas.

Eventually, the end of his shift came around late afternoon and he was free to go home. After wiping his hands and face with a wet rug, he went to go find his boss.

He found Bobby in his office, filling out paperwork or something. Dean hesitated before knocking, afraid of what Bobby would say. But then, he shrugged it off. Bobby was like a father to him, he’d give him this surely.

Dean knocked on the door, then heard a rough voice telling him to come in.

“Uh hey Bobby, can I speak to you about something for a second?”

Bobby looked up and motioned for Dean to sit down.

“Yes, what is it?”

“Well I’m going out of town tomorrow for the weekend so I probably won’t make it to my shift Thursday to maybe Monday.”

Bobby thought about Dean’s words for a moment, then sighed; defeated. “Okay, only because you’re a hard worker that always comes to your shifts, I’ll let you have this break. Enjoy it while you can.”

Dean grinned. “Alright, thank you sir. I appreciate it.”

Bobby nodded. They shared a few more words, then Dean left and hopped on his motorcycle to head back home.

He got to his apartment then stuck the key in the hole, and pushed open the door.

“I’m home!” He yelled out while throwing the keys onto the small table in the living room. There was no answer back. Dean walked around and found a note on the fridge with something scribbled onto to it.

_ Dean, _

_ I went back to my apartment to start packing for this weekend, you should do the same. I’ll be back over soon. :) _

_ Love, Cas. _

Dean smiled, then set the note back down and went to his room while stripping off his clothes. He took a quick shower, then started packing for this weekend.

It took him about thirty or so minutes, once he finished he fell back onto his bed and sighed. He laid his hands on his stomach and closed his eyes, tired from today.

He rested for about six to seven minutes before he heard the door to his apartment opening then closing. He instinctively knew that it was Cas, since he’s the only one with a key to his apartment and Dean strangely knows what his footsteps sound like.

It’s a feeling he gets when Cas’s around, he just  _ knows _ that it’s him.

Dean smiled when he felt the bed dip and a muscled body slide into the spot beside him. He opened his eyes and looked at Cas, instantly internally melting at the sight of his soft and affectionate blue eyes staring into his own.

They greeted each other with a passionate kiss which continued for a few seconds or minutes. Dean missed Cas. They’d only been apart not even a day and Dean had been suffocating without him.

Their limbs tangled together as their mouths moved together lovingly. Dean brought his hand up and ran it through Cas’s hair, loving the feeling of it as it ran through his fingers.

Everything about Cas was great. Dean loved every part of him, it was a feeling that would never leave.

They parted and just lay there for a moment with their arms around each other. Dean liked to savor this moment every time it happened.

“Have you finished packing?” Cas murmured, slightly sitting up.

Dean nodded and rubbed a hand over his face tiredly.

“Yeah, packed and ready to go first thing tomorrow.”

“Me too.”

After a couple of seconds, they untangled themselves from each other. Caspar got up and walked to the doorway of Dean’s bedroom.

“What would you like for dinner?”

“You.”

Cas laughed and rolled his eyes. “Seriously, I’m starving. If you don’t suggest anything I’ll just make something out of whatever food there is.”

Dean grinned and put his arms under his head, leaning back against the pillow. “I’m being serious, c’mere please.”

Cas sighed in defeat then walked back over to the bed and pressed his mouth to Dean’s happily.

Dean moved his mouth along Cas’s willingly. He placed his hand on the nape of Cas’s neck, then rolled them over. He arched his back and pressed his body into Cas’s, letting their groins rut against each other.

Cas gasped out while running his hands along Dean’s back.

Dean rubbed their cocks together for a few moments through the rough material of their jeans. They groaned into each other’s mouths.

Then, Dean slid down Cas’s body while grinning and unbuttoned his pants, pulling them down along with his orange boxers.

Cas’s cock slapped against his stomach and slightly curved, he was already leaking.

“Horny are we?” Dean questioned, running his hand along Cas’s shaft.

Cas merely moaned in response, thrusting his hips up.

He placed his hands on Cas’s thighs, then licked at the crown of Cas’s cock, teasing him. He tasted the precum and swirled it around in his mouth, then swallowed. Cas watched, wide-eyed.

“That was hot.”

Dean laughed then leaned down again and licked a strip up and down Cas’s dick, he sucked on the outside of it while occasionally rubbing the skin with his tongue. Cas reached down and ran his hands soothingly through Dean’s hair.

He moved his mouth up, then sucked on the tip and made sloppy, slurp sounds. His tongue rested against the slit of Cas’s cock, pressing down. Cas had to put his fist over his mouth as he whimpered loudly with need.

“Please.” Cas begged; panting.

“Please what?” Dean knew, but he wanted Cas to say it. He continued teasing the head of his cock, never fully putting it in his mouth.

“Please… Suck my cock Dean;  _ fuck _ I need your mouth on my dick, swallowing it.”

Dean couldn’t say no to that, so he got to work. He slowly moved his mouth down onto Cas’s extremely hard and thick cock, then started a rhythm; bobbing his head up and down. He used his tongue to lick Cas’s shaft as his head moved, sucking and swallowing.

Cas bucked his hips into Dean’s mouth and constantly moaned, his hands gripped tighter onto dean’s hair, tugging and rubbing.

Dean choked a bit as he took Cas further in, not stopping. He let Cas thrust into his mouth, he let him pull on his head and cry out his name.

He took his free hand and played with Cas’s heavy balls then started to grind his front onto the bed. He was hard as fuck.

With a pop sound, he took his mouth off of Cas’s cock. Saliva and precum leaked down the sides of it and Dean’s mouth. He stroked it quickly, looking into Cas’s eyes.

“You like this Cas? Feel good?” He spoke gruffly, licking his lips. Cas enthusiastically nodded.

“God, I love your taste, so damn good.” He put his mouth back onto Cas’s cock and slurped some more, then sucked down onto it. Dean let it hit his throat, then bobbed his head quickly.

“S-Shit ‘m gonna cum Dean!”

Dean gave him one more long suck then took his mouth off of his cock and started jacking it with a quick pace. “Cum on my face Cas, want to feel you.”

Cas moaned at his words and thrusted upwards, causing the bed to squeak. Dean stroked him a few more times, before he was coming, his cum shooting out. It landed on Dean’s face and dripped onto his nose, eyes and lips. Dean licked what he could reach with his tongue and moaned at the feeling of the warm liquid spilling onto him.

Cas looked at the sight and groaned deeply. Dean looked so hot, with Cas’s cum painted all over his face. Cas lay there and caught his breath, Dean rested his forehead against Cas’s thighs. After a moment, he leaned up and kissed Cas’s lips, letting his taste himself in Dean’s mouth.

They groaned in unison.

Cas then told Dean to take off his pants. Cas stroked Dean’s cock a few times, then he was coming and moaning out Cas’s names.

“That was nice.” Dean muttered; Cas agreed.

Soon, they got up and padded to the bathroom and attempted to fit themselves in the small space. Dean got a washcloth and wet it under the sink, then wiped his face. He proceeded to clean off his and Cas’s body.

They had procrastinated dinner, an hour had passed. They finally walked out of the bedroom to make dinner and indulge themselves in pleasant conversation.  

After dinner, Dean had put a song on the record player and grinned at Cas then walked over to him.

“You want to dance?” He asked, holding his hand out to Cas.

Cas seemed surprised at first, then shrugged and smiled, taking Dean’s hand as he leads them to the center of the living room.

_ Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love with you. _

The beginning of the song started playing.

Dean held Cas closer as they swayed together, hand in hand, their foreheads resting against each other’s with their eyes closed. They slowly danced together, swaying and twirling, staring into each other’s eyes passionately.

Cas felt tears coating his eye-lids.

They were both filled with such a powerful emotion, both never wanting to forget this moment or have it end. It was delicate and would always mean something to them. So much was said without words being spoken at all.

They danced throughout the whole song, neither speaking. They could both feel it in the air, how much they loved each other. The fireworks were exploding in their stomachs and in the intensity of their stare

Dean twirled Cas around then held him to his chest gently, rubbing his back. The song soon ended.

“I love you.”

They whispered at the same time, their voices the only sounds in the quiet apartment. They held each other for a moment longer, still swaying and wrapped up in each other’s arms.

Silently, they pulled away from each other then went to bed and made love to each other slowly that night, worshipping and loving each other. Neither Dean nor Cas got much sleep that night.

 


	4. Chapter 4

They took Cas’s blue Volkswagen, since their luggage couldn’t fit on Dean’s motorcycle. Cas got Dean up at eight in the morning, and they quickly got ready, made sure they had everything, then brought everything down and stuffed it in the truck. Soon, they were on the road ready to see Disneyland.

It was a struggle to get there. Cas was driving, so Dean had to keep track of the map and look at it when needed. There were a couple times where Dean was distracted and missed something, so they had to turn back and make a U-turn or something. Dean felt kind of bad, seeing Cas get irritated with him, but soon they were smoothly driving on the right path.

“Aw come on baby don’t be mad. I swear it won’t happen again.” Dean whined, reaching out to hold Cas’s hand and rub his knuckle, knowing how Cas likes it when he does that.

Cas snatched his hand away and scowled at Dean disapprovingly. “No touching me while I’m driving Dean, I wouldn’t want to crash and not get to Disneyland at all.”

Dean soon realized Cas was grumpy when he didn’t get enough sleep. Then, even more grumpy on road trips. Dean groaned.

“You’re no fun when you’re driving.” He pouted and leaned the seat back while placing his legs onto the dashboard.

Cas groaned. “Dean don’t do that; I don’t want my car to get dirty because of your feet.”

Dean sighed. “Quit being a debbie downer, your car is gonna be fine.” The car was getting cramped and they were both spiraling into a sour mood. Dean just wanted to get out and stretch his legs.

“Can we stop or like pull over? I think we both need to get out and breath some air.” Dean mumbled, glancing over at Cas pleadingly.

He gave up.

“Fine, we’ll stop at the next gas station.”

“Good.”

They sat in silence for about ten more minutes, until they finally came upon one. Cas parked the car into a slot beside a pump.

Dean immediately jumped out of the car and breathed in the air while stretching his cramped muscles. “Ah, free at last.” He breathed out, leaning against the car.

Cas rolled his eyes while putting gas into the car.

Dean excused himself and went to use the bathroom, then bought a snack and water for him and Cas while he was inside. He came back outside to see Cas waiting for him beside the car, now parked in a parking spot.

“Here’s somethin’ for the road.” He handed Cas a bag of chips and a bottle of water, then kept some another for himself. Cas smiled tiredly and thanked him.

Dean fought the urge to hug Cas, he desperately wanted to reach out and hold his hand. Something, anything. But he couldn’t. They were in public with people around them.

They both got back into the car and continued their not-so-fun road trip. Dean unbuckled his belt and scooted over to Cas and wrapped an arm around his warm body while nuzzling his neck, not giving a damn if Cas didn’t like it since he was driving.

“‘M sorry ‘bout earlier, I was just cranky and I like pushing your buttons because you’re kinda cute when you’re grumpy.” His voice was muffled from having his face pressed into Cas’s skin. But he knew Cas understood him and was probably smiling, or holding one back, right now.

As if on cue, Cas chuckled and quickly leaned his head into Dean’s before pulling away. “Thank you, I accept your apology. I know it’s difficult being in this small car for a long amount of time, but it’ll be worth it once we get there.”

Dean smiled and nodded in agreement. “Yeah I sure hope so. I’m lookin’ forward to this weekend.” He pulled away from Cas and scooted back to his spot while buckling backup.

But, Cas reached over and grabbed Dean’s hand, squeezing it. Without taking his eyes off of the road, he replied.

“Me too.”

Much later during the evening, they finally arrived in Florida and came upon a motel to stay at a couple miles away from Disneyland. Dean happily hopped out and stretched once again, then observed his surroundings. It surely was different than what he’s used to.

Dean and Cas grabbed their luggage and hauled it inside in one trip. Dean stood by at the desk and flipped through some pamphlets, not really reading what was on there as Caspar paid for their room.

The person at the desk didn’t suspect anything, since Cas had lied and casually explained that they were cousins, then had gotten two beds.  

Once that was done, they went up to their room on the second floor and walked inside tiredly. They set their luggage in the room then cuddled up together on one of the beds.

“Do you want to get dinner?”

Dean shook his head. “No, ‘m too tired.” He was hungry, but he was too comfortable to get up. He figured he could go a night without dinner. Sleep was more important to him at the moment.

“Alright, well let's at least get out of these clothes.” He felt Cas get up, then heard a zipper being undone and shuffling. A suitcase opened, he heard movement, then it closed again. He heard water running, then was turned off moments later. Cas soon climbed back into bed with him, the bed next to them deserted.

Dean sighed and hauled himself out of bed to take off his shirt and jeans, leaving him in only boxers. He went to quickly brush his teeth, then came back to bed and sought out Cas’s warmth. He dozed off as soon as he felt Cas’s arms curl around his waist.

The sunlight poured through the window, shining onto their faces. Dean opened his eyes and squinted while rubbing his eyes. He looked over to the clock on the night stand. The red letters read 8:53 A.M.

He shook Cas and leaned down to whisper in his ear. “Babe wake up. We’ve got to get ready.”

Cas stirred and mumbled sleepily before waking up and sitting up, running his hand through his messy bed-head. Dean loved how his hair was in the morning, it looked so tempting and touchable. Dean cleared his throat then got up to get ready, Cas followed shortly after.

They got dressed in suitable clothes to be walking around in the sun all day and made sure they had everything they’d want to bring.

Dean shoved water bottles, his wallet, a Beirette camera and sunscreen into a small backpack to carry around with him, Cas gave him his things to put in their too.

“A camera?”

Dean grinned. “Yup. I want to capture moments to have later in life so we can remember this weekend.”

“Right of course.”

They smiled at each other then took the keys and were out the door.

Once they got into the car, Cas looked at the car and made sure before-hand that they were going the right way and wouldn’t have to turn around, Dean sat back and let him knowing that he would probably screw up and cause Cas to get snappy at him.

He knows by now not to irritate Cas while he’s in the driving mode and trying to figure out where to go.

Soon, they were driving towards Disneyland and got there around thirty minutes later.

“Aren’t you excited?”

Cas grinned as he walked in front of Dean towards the entrance, Dean once again resisted the urge to reach out to him and have some kind of physical contact.

“Yeah, I’m pumped.” He laughed and followed Cas.

They got their tickets and paid to be able to do a lot of things. Cas was basically jumping out of his socks, he was grinning and looking in every direction. He seemed like an excited child, his eyes were shining brightly and he was tugging Dean around by the sleeve of his shirt.

Dean went along with Cas and smiled with him, completely relaxed and simply happy that Cas was in a good mood. He deserved this, he deserved to be able to go here because of all the crap he had gone through in the past.

He deserved to have fun and to be happy. Dean was glad he could give it to him. He would do anything for Cas so that he would be happy. He didn’t even know if Cas had been able to do fun and awesome things like this as a child, he wished he could have been there for him.

But, he is now. Dean told himself that he’d never leave or abandon Cas or let him go through painful things alone ever again.

Cas dragged him towards a rollercoaster, telling him that he had a fear of heights but wanted to experience the thrill of riding one.

“I never got to do anything exciting as a child. I’ve decided that I want to try something new.”

Dean obliged.

Though, throughout the whole thing, Cas clung to him and screamed while closing his eyes. When they got off the ride, Cas still held onto his arm, but not too intimately

“Have fun?” He grinned down at Cas.

Cas reluctantly let go of Dean once they were around more people.

“It was interesting.” He mumbled. “It was scary… But fun in a strange way.”

“Yeah that’s a rollercoaster for you, gives you a rollercoaster of emotions.”

Cas chuckled and bumped his shoulder with his own. He leaned up to whisper in Dean’s ear, away from prying listeners and judgmental glares.

“I love you, so much.”

Dean smiled lovingly down at Cas, the itch to touch him was excruciating.

“I know, me too.”

He didn’t have to say it back, Cas knew.

They went on a couple more rides, not as intense as the roller coaster. Cas dragged Dean on a bumper car ride and got quite competitive.

Dean dragged Cas on another fast-paced ride, causing him to laugh at Cas’s desperate yells to get him off.

Whenever he got the chance, Dean took pictures of Cas. Sometimes it was with Cas’s consent, Dean would ask Caspar to stand in front of something or he’d quickly snap one of them both while looking like casual buddies.

Then, he’d take some of Cas when he wasn’t looking or noticing. When Cas was looking at something or grinning up at someone dressed as a Disney character, Dean would sneakily take several pictures. Even if Cas noticed, he didn’t seem to mind.

They soon found a small restaurant in the amusement park to eat at, it was a little after 3:00 and even though they had bought a few snacks during the day, they haven’t had a meal yet.

“Does this place look good?” He asked while motioning towards the small building in front of him. It had a roof that was long and flat, it seemed to hang over the front.

“It’s fine.”

They walked inside and sat down in a booth in the corner, right beside each other. Dean reached down and grabbed Cas’s hand, rubbing his thumb over the skin of the top. Cas sighed happily.

A waitress walked over, they hid their hands but never let go.

“Hi! I’m Nina and I’ll be your server today. Would you like to start off with anything to drink?”

Dean told her he wanted a Pepsi, Cas got a water.

She left to go collect their beverages, Dean slouched down in the booth.

“Is today going as you expected?” He looked over at Cas but knew the answer.

Cas nodded enthusiastically. “It’s spectacular. I’m really glad we came here… And I’m happy that I got to share this experience with you.”

“Good. I’m happy too.” He paused then looked at his lap. “I was thinkin’ earlier, I realized that you probably were never able to do anything fun or whatever as a kid because of your home environment and lack of money. I wasn't either. But, I guess I’m just glad that I was able to give you this experience and make you happy.” He stopped and rubbed the back of his neck, then glanced at Cas.

He was never good with words and talking about feelings and such, but he wanted Cas to know that he was glad Cas was happy, and how much he meant to him and loves him.

Cas smiled warmly at him and rested his hand on Dean’s thigh and squeezed reassuringly.

“Thank you.” He murmured. “Nobody has ever done this for me before, just to make me happy.”

“Glad I was the first, better get used to it.”

They both chuckled then looked up when Nina came back with their drinks.

“Here ya’ go. Have you decided on what you’d like to eat?”

Dean told her he’d like a cheeseburger with a side of fries. Cas ordered a pasta with garlic bread.

Nina scribbled it down onto her notepad. “Alright, it’ll be out shortly.” She told them then walked off.

A couple minutes of silence and shared smiles and glances passed.

“We should get a dog.”

Dean snorted. “Why do you want to get a dog?”

Cas shrugged and set his elbows onto the table.

“I’ve never had a dog. They seem like nice pets to have. I’d want a German Shepherd.”

Dean smiled and touched his hand to Cas’s.

“If you want a dog, we’ll get a dog. But, you’ll have to take care of it.”

“Of course. I’ll love on it and care for it. He’ll be the best dog ever.”

“Replacin’ me now?” Dean smiled despite his words.

Cas rolled his eyes. “Never.”

“What else do you want?” Dean wanted to know everything Cas desired in his life so he could make him happier and do things for him that Cas never got to have or do. He didn’t want anything in return, all he needed was Cas.

“I want to live in a house without any neighbors so that we can make love all the time without having to worry about people hearing.”

He stopped and thought for a moment, he smiled as he spoke.

“I want to have a big backyard for our dog and a fence. A house big enough for the two of us and a room where I can paint and hang my work.”

Dean listened to Cas as he spoke, listing out things he wanted, places he wanted to go. Dean wished he could accomplish everything that he wanted, be sure that Cas lived a nice life to make up for his last twenty or so years.

They spoke and exchanged desires and confessions as they waited for their food, letting their voices tone down to keep strangers from hearing their words.

“Sometime in the future, we should buy a cabin out in the mountains. Just have a place to go to be away from everyone else, to be ourselves.”

Dean agreed. “That’d be nice.”

The food soon came and interrupted them from their conversation. Nina set the plates down in front of them then got out silverware and handed it to them.

“Enjoy!”

They dug into their food and ate without speaking much; too hungry to waste another second without eating.

Dean observed his surroundings as he bit into the burger. A baby started crying, there were black and white photos on the walls. There were about six other booths in front of them, then a couple tables in the center. A counter was on the far right. It was small but nice.

It reminded him of the diners back in Virginia.

They soon finished eating, Nina came to give them the check. The total came to be twenty dollars. Dean took some money out of his wallet then put it onto the table.

“Ready to go?” Dean looked over at Cas who nodded.

They got up and walked out of the small restaurant, hearing the doorbell ring behind them as they shut it.

“That was good.” Dean commented, Cas agreed.

They spent the rest of the day walking around and sightseeing, loving every second it. Then, when night came, they spent their time loving each other, caressing each other’s skin in a way that wasn’t allowed in public or for people’s eyes to see.

Saturday was spent doing the same thing. They did some more things at Disneyland and rode some more rides.

“Dean, quit taking pictures of me.” Dean just shook his head and continued snapping photos of Cas. He looked at some the other day and Cas had looked over his shoulder and saw them. They were good, they weren’t the best quality, most looked vintage, but they were still memorable.

“But I’m making memories! One day you’ll look back at these and you’ll be thankful I captured these moments.”

Cas snorted.

“Whatever you say.”

Though, Dean knew Cas secretly enjoyed it, that he would look back at these pictures one day and instantly smile. Cas may say it was annoying, but he loved it. Just too stubborn to admit it, but that was Cas. Stubborn yet lovable. He would never get tired of any part of Cas.

The day flew by quickly, and soon they were finishing up a meal at a diner. They laughed together as they talked about how great the day was. But Dean couldn’t help but feel upset. Soon, they would go back, they’d be thrown back into feeling trapped. He almost didn’t want to go back to Staunton, he wanted to stay here with Cas and not worry about anything.

He wanted to be on a vacation forever.

Dean hummed as The Beatles started playing on the jukebox.

_ Oh yeah, I’ll tell you something. I think you’ll understand. When I say that something, I wanna hold your hand. _

_ I wanna hold your hand, I wanna hold your hand. _

He looked at Cas, sitting on the other side of the booth. He looked adorable sitting there, picking at his food, wearing his collared vest with suspenders. The lyrics to the song spoke his thoughts clearly, it was an itch that would never disappear.

The diner was quiet; few people were sitting at the tables around them. A waitress was wiping down the counter, a couple were eating a meal.

It was quiet, too quiet. He looked over at Cas again, wanting to say something. Anything. But he couldn’t. Anybody could hear, they’d suspect.

Too quiet.

He felt trapped in public, like he couldn’t say what he wanted. He couldn’t express how he felt towards Cas with listening ears and prying eyes all around him. All he could do was sit there and stare. His hands lay in his lap, clenched. He itched, he wanted to reach out.

Too far.

Cas was close, yet too far. He could reach out and touch him, but nothing good would come out of it. He’d only be interrogated by the people around him. At any moment, they could get caught. Any second, he’d be thrown in jail.

Fear and anxiety ruled over him most days. In public, people glanced. In public, he couldn’t touch Cas. Everywhere they went, there was limits to what they could do or say. Every day, he had to be careful. The small moments in his or Cas’s apartment, when they were wrapped up in each other or sitting at the table and eating a home-cooked meal, those were the best moments. When Dean could reach over and grab Cas’s hands or kiss his soft lips.

They only felt happy and content in their apartments. It was only there; could they love each other without fear or worry. It was in the middle of the night, when they were sure nobody could hear, was when they could get lost in passion and make love to each other. But even then, they had to be careful. The moans and whimpers were hushed, the bed couldn’t spring or bounce too loudly, their voices had to be whispered or completely silent. They couldn’t yell out each other’s name as other couples, their pleas and love declarations had to be kept in whispered voices.

They couldn’t fuck too roughly or let their skin slap against each other too loudly. Every little thing they did had a risk, a possible consequence. It was a dangerous world.

The walls weren’t thin, but they couldn’t take the risk. If anything was said or done too loudly, people would suspect. They’d hear two men in a room, and they’d assume. They might see Cas leaving Dean’s apartment with messy hair and a glow on his face or swollen lips. They would know.

Every day, he could be one day closer to the end. Every day, could be the last with Cas. That one thought pained him. He never wanted to be apart from Cas. The will to not let it end, was what made Dean keep going with the secrecy and sneaking around. It was worth it.

“Dean?” The soft, questioning voice of his lover broke him out of his overwhelming thoughts. Dean smiled over at Cas.

“Yeah?”

“Can we go?”

They’d been apart for too long, both desperately wanted to get back to the privacy of their room.

“Of course.”

Dean paid, then they were back on the road and heading to the motel.

They had to wake up the next morning to get an early start to get back home. But neither cared. Dean put his mouth on Cas’s as soon as they got back into their room. They maneuvered into the bedroom and fell onto the bed, neither letting go of each other.

The small bed groaned and creaked, their sounds of pleasure were muffled as they weren’t too loud. Their names rolled off of each other’s tongue quietly as they kissed and moved. Nobody heard the whispered “I love you’s” except their own ears. Nobody saw Dean hold Cas close and touch him in ways that people would consider sinful. Nobody knew. Their actions were shielded within the walls.

Dean and Cas knew that this night and the last two days would be memories that they’d never forget. To them, it was special.

They fell into a slumber with a smile on their faces and their bodies close together.


	5. Chapter 5

**July, 1969**

Dean didn’t like fireworks. It was the fourth of July but he didn’t intend on celebrating it. But, Cas liked fireworks, he said he loves the way they expand and shoot up into the sky like shooting stars. He had told Dean, that the colors fascinated him.

Dean decided he would celebrate it this year.

“You sure you don’t want to stay here and make our own fireworks?” Dean asked Cas as he flipped through the newspaper, flitting his eyes over various articles and columns.

“Knowing you, it probably doesn’t even involve fireworks.” Cas stated bluntly as he filled a cup with coffee that he had made.

“You know me so well.” Dean winked and wiggled his eyebrows but only got Cas rolling his eyes and shaking his head in response. It was worth a try.

A couple minutes passed. Cas sipped his coffee while sketching something in the chair beside Dean.

“Where are we going to even watch fireworks?” The silence was broken.

Cas sighed.

“Dean why are you so against seeing them?”

Closing the newspaper, he groaned and leaned back in the old, wooden chair causing it to creak. “I’m not… I’m just not the biggest fan of it. Plus, we won’t even be able to enjoy it since we’re going to be around people. We’d have to act like platonic pals.”

He ran a hand through his hair, causing strands to stick up.

“Somebody at the diner said that the town is doing fireworks by the pond.”

Cas got up and pecked Dean’s cheek before putting his cup in the sink. He looked out the little window and saw kids walking down in the alleyway, yelling out energetically. The room on the brick building in front of him had its curtains closed as always.

“It’ll be fun, stop complaining you grump.” Dean rolled his eyes and turned around in his chair to salute to Cas.

“Yes sir.”

Cas threw a washcloth at him playfully and left the room. Dean’s laugh was muffled by the fabric covering his face. He got up from the table and went to walk out of the kitchen. He halted beside the spot Cas was just sitting in. He left his sketchbook open. Dean peered at it in amazement. Cas had drawn a house with a fence going around it. There was a dog in the front yard.

Dean smiled down at it, knowing it resembled Cas’s dream home.

He walked out and went to join Cas on the couch, not mentioning it. Dean slid down into the spot beside him and slung an arm over his shoulder.

“Hey, you okay babe?”

He pressed his lips to the top of Cas’s head, then pecked his cheek and mouth. Cas shrugged and shot Dean a smile, waving it off.

“It’s nothing.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. Cas’s quickness to brush it off piqued his curiosity.

“You sure? You’ve seemed distracted lately.” Dean noticed that Cas has been quiet, not as enthusiastic. He’s been getting irritated easily; grumpy. Dean wished he knew why, he felt like Cas was putting distance in between them. Something was bothering him.

“C’mon tell me.”

Cas bit his lip and pulled his legs up, sitting with them crossed. His hands fidgeted in his lap.

“I don’t know… I’ve just been worried lately. About everything. All our problems, present and future. It’s just frustrating.” Dean could hear the anguish in Cas’s tone of voice, his face didn’t seem relaxed as it usually was. He was tense. The atmosphere thickened with stress.

Dean had a feeling he knew what Cas was talking about. Cas was like an open book; he was easy to read. His emotions showed on his face and in his voice, it was simple to see what he was upset about. Quite the opposite of Dean.

“Tell me.”

More sighing.

“I was walking out of a bookstore the other day. While I was on the way back to the apartment, I passed by couples. They were laughing together, walking and holding their hands, kissing each other’s face and skin. They seemed so at ease and I got jealous. Why is it that they’re able to openly be with their lovers and express how they feel and we can’t? Why is it so hard for them to accept the fact that men can love men? What’s so damn wrong about it?”

Cas was standing; pacing and ranting. His fists were clenched, his shoulders hunched. His voice thick with annoyance.

“And I keep thinking about the day you’ll get drafted. I think about the day when you come back or when you leave. How men and women will embrace and passionately kiss their lovers, but I’d have to hold back. We’d have to reunite in the dark corners of some alley, or quietly in our apartments. We won’t be able to run up to each other and wrap our arms around each other. We have to hold back, while  _ they’re _ able to freely embrace the men they love.”

The words were spit out quickly.

Dean blinked, he wasn’t expecting that outburst. Cas looked broken and torn. His face was red, he was tired. Tired of the troubles, tired of hiding, tired of having to go through so much just to be able to get the chance to kiss or hug in public. Or how they’d have to find the darkest corner of somewhere to press up against each other.

Dean was tired too. He knew this was coming.

“I know it’s hard. Believe me, I hate it as much as you do. But, it’s just the way people are. We  _ have _ to sneak around, otherwise there’d be trouble for both of us.” He spoke softly, the tension in the air was too high.

“Don’t worry about the war. If or when I have to fight, I told you that I’d come back. When I do, I’d rather have us reunite and celebrate behind closed doors in our room other than around people who would only glare.”

He hoped that reassured Cas.

Cas slid down against the wall by the small television box upsettingly.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured sadly. “I ruined today for us.”

Dean shook his hand and walked over to Cas to take his hands in his own. Their fingers immediately intertwined.

“No baby you didn’t, it’s completely reasonable for you to be upset. But, let's not think about it today okay? We’re gonna enjoy ourselves. I promise you that nothing bad will happen.”

He leaned in to rest his forehead against Cas’s. They stared, Cas lightened up.

“Okay… You’re right. Thank you Dean.”

“Aren’t I always.” He grinned and leaned back to kiss Caspar, his hands moving up to grip the nape of his neck. Their mouths and tongues moved together for a few moments, the tension slowly decreasing.

“We’re gonna be okay.” He whispered.

They both believed it.

They stayed in the apartment until later that evening. Dean came out of the bedroom while shoving his arms into the sleeves of a jacket.

“You ready?” Cas looked up from the book that was in his hands and nodded then hastily got up. Dean made sure to bring a blanket, not wanting to lay on the muddy grass.

The phone that was set onto the small table beside the door started ringing. Dean sighed and went to pick it up, hoping it wasn’t his work.

“Hello?”

“Hello Dean.”

Dean mentally groaned. Why did she have to call now?

“Evelyn. Do you need something?” His tone sounded rude, but he couldn’t care.

“I was wondering if you wanted to join me tonight to see fireworks!” Her shrill voice echoed in his ear, causing him to pull away from the phone.

He rubbed his forehead and squeezed his eyes.

“Sorry I can’t. I have plans tonight.”

Silence. He knew she was disappointed.

“Oh alright, we’ll catch up later then.”

“Yeah okay, bye.” He set the phone back onto the bars without waiting for an answer.

“Who was that?” Cas’s voice sounded from close beside him.

“Evelyn, she wanted to see fireworks with me but I declined.”

Cas’s face stayed blank, Dean wondered what he was thinking.

“What if she sees us?”

Dean rubbed his shoulder reassuringly.

“She won’t, trust me.”

Cas put too much trust into Dean, he took his word for it.

They left the apartment and Dean slung the bag with the blanket onto his back then hopped onto his bike. He motioned for Cas to come over.

“You want me to get on that?” He asked incredulously, gaping at the motorcycle.

“Yeah, hop on.” Dean grinned. “It’ll give you a reason to wrap your arms around me.” Cas thought about it for a moment, then got on behind Dean after putting on the spare helmet. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist.

Dean shivered as he felt Cas’s fingers splay across his stomach, fingers sneakily rubbing the skin under his shirt. Their bodies were right up against each other, back to chest. Cas suddenly forgot about his reluctance to get on.

He started the bike, roaring it to life. “Hang on!” He called out, then sped off. Cas’s body lurched forward, pressing him even closer to Dean.

Dean cackled excitedly as he felt Cas’s arms tighten around his waist almost fearfully as the motorcycle swerved and sped along the streets.

They drove through the streets, neither worrying about someone seeing them since they were going too quickly, the only light around was from the street lights.

Eventually, they came upon a clearing where other people were situated. They parked away from the people and found their own little spot. Hopping off, they both laughed at each other’s wind-swept hair.

Dean laid the blanket out then sat down on top of it, finding Cas’s hand beside him.

“No one’s lookin’ don’t worry.” He muttered, knowing what Cas was thinking.

They watched the fireworks explode into the sky and create different colors and patterns, they watched with excitement. People around them made impressive noises and “ah’s” as they watched the explosions erupt.

Dean looked over at Cas, captivated by the amazed expression on his face. Cas’s face had lit up, his eyes reflecting the colors, shining with the swirling sparks of different hue’s. To Dean, this sight was more beautiful and interesting than fireworks.

He had his own fireworks erupting in his stomach.

Dean couldn’t help himself, he grabbed Cas and pressed his lips to his. Cas obliged and moved their mouth together languidly and lovingly. Dean’s hand lay on Cas’s neck as Cas gripped Dean’s hair.

The people around them were forgotten as they got lost in themselves. They didn’t notice the fireworks or chaotic noises around them anymore. Nor did they notice a figure near them, watching with clear surprise and disgust.


	6. Chapter 6

**December, 1969**

He woke up to the melody of The Doors coming from the living room. He stumbled out of Cas’s room and rubbed his eyes tiredly. He shivered, feeling the cool air hit his naked skin. He wanted to crawl back under the covers.

Dean found Cas sitting on the couch and reading the newspaper. Dean crawled onto the couch beside him and leaned into his space.

“Mornin’ Cas.” His voice was still gruff from sleep, he nuzzled his face into his boyfriend’s neck. Cas greeted him.

“You remind me of a cat sometimes.” He chuckled and nudged Dean’s head away.

Dean snorted. “How so?” He rubbed Cas’s leg gently.

“I dunno’. You always seem to want physical contact by nuzzling your head into my hand or neck.”

Dean frowned. “Thought you liked it.”

“I do ya’ doof. Just making an observation.” Cas put the newspaper down and leaned back to turn his head towards Dean.

Dean smiled and kissed Cas. “Good ‘cause I ain’t ever stopping.” He promised.

Cas hummed; a deep sounding noise.

“You want to go into town today?” Cas asked, playing with Dean’s fingers.

Dean nodded. “Whatever you want.”

They got up to get dressed but took a while to actually get out, since they tend to become distracted with each other. Finally, they got out of the apartment and started walking into town, not bothering to take a vehicle.  

Dean lead Cas down the street, not exactly knowing where he wanted to go. They walked side by side, not touching. People passed them on the sidewalk and occasionally nodded in greeting, but never suspected anything.

Safe.

Dean made small talk with Cas asking him non-important things and simply wanting to hear his voice. He felt sweaty in the vest he was wearing. It was cold. He didn’t know why he suddenly felt too hot.

They passed by a window with a set of small, square televisions. Each with the same thing. Dean halted in front of the window when he heard a certain word spoken.

“Wait.” He called to Cas, watching the screen intently.

The man in the suit and hat on the screen spoke clearly, Dean felt fear and worry gnawing at him. There was a chance he’d get called.

_ “At 3:00 today, we’ll be drafting men for the war. Be sure to turn on your television if you’ve got a draft lottery! Your number may get called.” _

Dean gulped, he could feel Cas beside him. They were both thinking the same thing. They were both scared. Their day was now filled with a tension in the air that wouldn’t leave them. At 3:00, it would either get worse or decrease.

“I might not get picked.” His voice trailed off, he knew he didn’t sound convincing. Cas wasn’t reassured either.

“Let’s not get our hopes too high.” He muttered bitterly then started walking along the sidewalk once more. Dean followed, his steps slow.

They browsed through shops to attempt to get their minds off of it, but it didn’t help. They ate at the diner; Ellen had shot him a pitiful look. She knew, everybody knew. He might have to fight in the war.

Dean wanted to embrace Cas, to gain some kind of comfort but he couldn’t. Not until they got back. He sat through lunch, barely eating. He could feel Cas’s gaze but didn’t return it. He didn’t want him to see the anxiety and fear on his face, he didn’t want to let Cas know that he was afraid.

He had to stay strong, it was his duty to reassure them both and promise that everything would be okay. But he knew there was no use, it wouldn’t be okay.

They ate in mostly silence, then walked back to the apartment building once it was close to 3:00. Once back, they went to Dean’s apartment since it was closest. The minute the door shut, Dean scrambled towards the television and switched it on. Static came first, then it cleared up to show the same man on the screen.

Dean had to wait a few more minutes before the numbers were called. He didn’t need a slip; he had memorized his number.

He repeated it in his mind, nonstop, for the next ten or so minutes. His leg was jiggling, he was sweating. Cas sat beside him on the couch, staying silent. The tension was too much. Dean felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Suddenly the numbers were called. He listened intently, focusing on nothing else but possibly hearing those numbers.

Then suddenly, it happened. Dean’s breath halted, his heart stopped.

_ “136!” _

The man said it, his voice devoid of happiness or cheerfulness. It was numb, just like Dean. He heard Cas let out a sob beside him, a gargled scream. He didn’t comfort him. He didn’t comfort himself, he simply sat there, staring at the screen with wide eyes.

He was going to war, he might die. The reality set in. His body trembled.

“Oh my god. This can’t be happening.” Dean registered Cas’s voice beside him, sobbing and laced with anguish.

“I can’t believe it either.” His voice was strained.

“We’re gonna be okay, right? You’re going to make it out and we’re going to live our lives together.” Cas was trying so hard to make himself believe that, Dean almost didn’t want him to have faith. He had to be prepared for Dean to not come back. Either he’ll come back a different man or in a body bag.

He didn’t want to let Cas down.

“Dean! Aren’t you upset?” The tears were streaming down Cas’s face; his eyes were sullen.

Dean clenched his jaw.

“Of course!” He snapped. Then sighed. “I’m scared. I don’t want to fail you.” He put his head in his hands and rested his elbows onto his knees. He couldn’t let himself cry, but the tears came anyway.

“You won’t fail me, you won’t. You’re gonna fight through it and come back, you promised Dean you  _ promised. _ ”

Dean lifted his head and wiped his eyes.

“Yeah well sometimes promises get broken.” He said roughly then got up to storm to his room. He needed to be alone. He didn’t want his emotions to overwhelm him and because him to snap at Cas.

“No. You  _ will _ come back Dean, you hear me? I won’t let you die because I love you too damn much to let you go.” Cas was sobbing now, his body shaking.

Dean couldn’t bear to hear Cas in so much pain. He promised himself that he wouldn’t let Cas be in pain and not have comfort

He walked over and wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist, burying his face in the crook of Cas’s neck. Not nuzzling. He squeezed his eyes.

“I will baby, I will. I’ll walk out of the bus, alive. We’ll see each other again and it’ll be amazing. Nothing is gonna happen, I won’t let it.” He rambled, sobbing as he spoke. They both stood there, a crying mess in each other's arms as the television continued to play in the background.

Dean didn’t want to die. He wanted to come back to Cas. He promised himself that he wouldn’t break their promise. He needed to survive this.

They eventually pulled apart. Dean sniffled and averted his eyes. The suffocating feeling was still there, the room felt ten times smaller.

“Cas I… I think I need some alone time. To gather my thoughts ‘nd stuff. I just… God I just feel like I’m about to explode.”

Cas seemed to not want to leave, but obliged anyway.

“Of course, I’ll be back later.” Then he left. Dean immediately felt tension well up inside of him. He yelled out and smacked a nearby wall.

He was being selfish and stupid. So many people died and lost their lovers in war and here he was worrying about his own damn self.

He didn’t know if he could keep his promise, if he could stay alive for Cas. He wanted to, he wanted to so badly. But, he couldn't control what happened. His camp could be bombed in the middle of the night, someone might sneak up on his blind side and shoot him.

This was war, anything could happen.

Dean was afraid that when he came back, he’d be a different man. A broken one with a troubled mental state. Someone who Cas wouldn’t want or recognize. He feared rejection and stares.

Dean knew he was possibly overthinking it, but he couldn’t help himself. War was a scary thing, fear and worries was something that came along with it.

He saw the camera standing sitting on a table, the same one he had used at Disneyland. If he didn’t make it back, he wanted Cas to have something to remember him by. Taking the camera and his keys, he stormed out of the room and went down the steps towards the exit. He hopped on his bike and went into town to get the pictures made into photographs.

He found a place, and had gotten the best ones printed out, then had bought some frames as well. When he got back, Cas was sitting on his couch, his head down. He jumped when he heard the door slam.

“Where were you?”

Dean threw his keys onto the little table. “I got something.” He opened the bag and pulled out the photographs and spread them out on the coffee table.

Cas gasped. “Oh, that was thoughtful of you.”

Dean nodded and sat down. “If I don’t make it back, I wanted you to have these photographs. So that… When you’re upset you can just look at them and remember this weekend, and me.”

Cas had tears streaming again.

“I appreciate that Dean.” He hugged him, Dean held him tightly.

“I love you.” He whispered into Cas’s ear, it only made Cas sob harder.

“Fuck, I’ll miss you so much.” Cas choked out. Dean nodded.

“I’ll miss you too, every day.”

They stayed like that until their arms became cramped. Dean let go and stared at Cas for what seemed like an eternity. He wanted to memorize every little detail and aspect of his face. He gave Cas a small kiss then got up and gathered the photographs.

“I’ll be right back.” He walked into his room, then found a box and put the photographs inside to keep them safe.

Dean then walked back out. Cas made dinner for them, they ate in Dean’s small kitchen with the dark blue and faded wallpaper.

The lyrics of Let's Spend the Night Together played in the background, Dean hadn’t known that Cas liked The Rolling Stones.

Dean finished every bite of the taco that Cas had made, it distracted his nerves. After dinner, they talked and lay together on the couch. They told each other what they wanted to do in the future and made endless promises. Dean lay on his back with Cas in between his legs. His arms would tighten around Cas’s waist every now and then.

They both knew what was coming the next, but didn’t want to acknowledge it. They instead decided to distract themselves. This could be their last night together, they wanted to spend it as wisely as possible.

“When I come back, we’re gonna get that dog you wanted.” Dean promised, kissing the top of Cas’s head and rubbing his foot with his own.

“Can I pick him out?”

“Absolutely.”

They talked for another hour or so. Dean constantly rubbing his hands on Cas’s stomach, while Cas hummed and attempted to relax.

“We’re gonna make it through this.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.” Dean felt the strength coming back, he’d fight to make it out alive knowing that his lover was waiting for him back home.

Cas got up. Dean frowned. “Where are you goin’?”

“I’ll be right back, hold on.” He said, then walked out of the apartment. Dean sighed and flopped back down.

He didn’t know how many minutes had passed when Cas came back in. He walked past Dean.

Dean looked up and saw him going over to where the record player was set up. He saw him place a disc onto it.

“What’re you playin’?” He peered over from his place on the couch.

“You’ll see.”

Just a few seconds later, the beginning of Love Me Tender started playing. Dean instantly felt emotional.

They played this the first day they met each other, and now they were playing it their last night together before Dean left. Dean got up and walked over to Cas; smiling.

“I love you Cas.”

Cas grinned from ear to ear and took his hand.

“I know. I love you too.”

Their voices were soft and loving. They pulled each other close and merely swayed to the sound of Elvis. Tears brimmed their eyes. Dean’s arms were secure around Cas’s waist; Cas’s hand was tight on the back of Dean’s neck.

They stared into each other’s eyes, which were filled with such an intense emotion. It was exhilarating. They leaned closer, their breaths on each other’s faces. Their lips touched, then moved together slowly. There was no rush. Their mouths moved passionately, no rough biting or desperate licking. It was patient.

The soft melody continued to play in the background as Dean and Cas got lost in kissing and feeling each other. Their hands rubbed and grabbed, gripping each other tightly. Their bodies were close.

The light from the moon poured through the window in the kitchen, causing them to become silhouettes in the dimly-lit room.

Their mouths parted, then reconnected again. Their hands intertwined, their legs in between each other.

The song had ended minutes ago, but neither noticed. They moved towards Dean’s bedroom then crawled onto the bed, their mouths never parting. Dean kissed all over Cas’s body, mesmerizing and worshipping. They couldn’t get enough of each other. Whispered “I love you’s” were said. They panted and breathed out each other’s names and groaned out sinful words.

Dean sat up straight to peel off his shirt, then unbuttoned his jeans. Cas, never taking his eyes off of Dean, took his own clothing off until he was left in his boxers. Dean mimicked his actions. He leaned down and kissed Cas’s lips. Their mouths opened, their tongues tangled. Their breaths increased.

He moved his mouth down while licking and sucking at Cas’s neck and throat, while Cas moaned beneath him. His noises sounded heavenly. Dean licked down Cas’s body and mouthed at the outline of Cas’s leaking cock in his boxers.

Cas whimpered and writhed. He begged and cried out.

Dean leaned back up and reconnected their mouths, passionately smacking their lips together and angling their heads different ways, never parting.

Cas gripped Dean’s hair desperately.

Dean quickly got rid of their boxers, then let their cocks slap together. Both moaned at the friction, Dean rubbed his body along Cas’s, letting his slick and wet cock move with Cas’s. They were hard, their cocks swollen, they panted and groaned.

“Love you Cas.”

Dean whispered as they moved faster. Cas could only groan in response.

The air was thick with arousal.

Dean pulled away from Cas, leaving his lover sweating and panting on the bed, whining for friction. Dean grabbed lube and slicked up his cock some more, moaning as he stroked it slowly.

“Hold on, need to make sure you’re loose first.”

Dean kneeled between Cas’s legs and stuck a finger at Cas’s hole, prodding it. Cas tried to push down, his head thrown back.

“Please.”

Dean smiled. “I got you baby.” He stuck a finger in and slowly started thrusting, feeling Cas’s tight walls clench. He eventually stuck another finger in, then another until he was thrusting three fingers in and out of Cas’s hole.

“F-Fuck don’t stop.” Cas’s legs trembled, his chest heaved. His mouth was parted in a silent scream, his eyes completely dilated.

Dean pulled his fingers out so that Cas wouldn’t cum yet. He sat up and looked over Cas, admiring how the moonlight shined through the window and shined onto Cas’s skin.

He was beautiful, Dean felt so lucky.

Dean leaned down to kiss Cas again. They sucked on each other’s lips and tongues for a few moments, savoring the taste. Dean reached his hand down and stroked Cas’s cock, letting it glide through his hand loosely. He rubbed his thumb over the crown occasionally, causing Cas to quietly groan.

“Ready for me?” Cas nodded immediately.

Dean grabbed his own cock and slid on a condom, then pushed into Cas’s hole slowly. He lay down onto Cas’s chest and put his weight onto him, then started thrusting faster, moving both their bodies in sync. The bed creaked beneath them, they murmured out words every now and then as they got lost in pleasure.

Dean’s balls slapped against Cas’s ass. With each hard thrust, their skin slapped together as the headboard occasionally was smacked into the wall. They had to be quiet, not wanting to disturb their neighbors.

But as they climbed higher, as their skin touched each other and as Dean fucked Cas harder; desperately. They couldn’t help but cry out each other’s names.

“S-Shit love you Dean, so much.” Cas whimpered, running a hand through his messy hair as Dean pounded him into the old mattress, groaning and mumbling in Cas's ear.

Dean kissed Cas as he felt his orgasm approaching, he thrusted hard and deep as he got sloppier.

“Dean touch me… Please.”

Dean obliged and fisted Cas’s cock quickly, rubbing his flesh pleasurably.

Soon, Cas was coming all over his own chest. He groaned, thrusting upwards as Dean stroked him through his orgasm. Dean didn’t stop fucking him.

He let go of Cas’s spent cock and laid his hands on either side of him, then thrusted harder. The bed creaked some more, they panted, they moaned.

Dean reached his peak and came inside the condom, groaning as he released his fluids. He wished that he could come inside Cas, just once. To feel his walls closing around his cock, to feel his cum shoot out into Cas’s ass.

Maybe another day.

Dean fell down beside Cas after rolling off his condom and dumping it a small bin. They drifted towards each other, embracing one another lovingly. Dean caressed Cas’s face.

“I love you, ‘m gonna miss you so damn much.” Dean confessed, laying on his back with Cas in his arms.

“Me too Dean. Love you.” He mumbled sleepily, curling further into Dean’s side.

They soon fell asleep.

They spent their last night together in bliss, expressing their love for each other and crying out in pleasure and happiness.

Both were pleased.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Dean hated goodbye’s. They caused sadness and heartbreak. He hated parting with someone he loves, it tears him apart to leave and see them get smaller in the distance, waving at him with such sadness. He hated knowing that he left someone behind. The second Dean woke up, he dreaded what was coming.

Both he and Cas woke up with frowns and sadness etched onto their faces. Dean wanted to lay there a moment longer, to remember the feel of Cas’s body wrapped up beside his, their arms secured around each other tightly.

Soon though, they untangled themselves from each other reluctantly and silently shuffled around, dressing for the day. Dean didn’t eat breakfast, neither did Cas. Their stomachs were empty, but they were too numb to notice.

Eventually, it was time to go.

Cas grabbed his keys, Dean gathered his belongings into a duffel bag. The atmosphere wasn’t enthusiastic anymore. Now, all that was left was despair.  

“I’ll be okay, I promise.”

Cas didn’t smile.

“How can you be so sure?” Cas sounded so distressed, it broke Dean.

“I just know. You think I’m gonna let myself get killed knowing that you’re waiting for me back home?”

Cas choked out a sob and hugged Dean, Dean immediately wrapped his arms around his waist and around his back.

“I love you so much Cas. I’ll think about you and I’ll miss you so damn much.” He couldn’t stop the tears; they were an automatic thing now.

“I love you Dean. I’ll be waiting for you to come back. We have to get that house and dog. We’re going to get married and have a life.”

Dean agreed and took Cas’s face in both of his hands to kiss his lips. Tenderly, lovingly, passionately. Their mouths soon turned from a gentle rhythm to a desperate clash of lips and tongues. Both desperate to taste each other one last time, feel one another. They didn’t want to leave.

Once they parted, Dean pecked all over Cas’s face.

“I promise.”

He whispered one last time.

Their hands intertwined and they left the apartment. Even as they stepped outside and got to Cas’s small Volkswagen parked along the sidewalk, they still didn’t let go.

All the way to the base, they held hands tight.

The suffocating feel was back again. With every mile, they got closer to the drop off area. With every mile they drove, Dean felt himself growing more afraid. He tried to listen to the soft tone of the guitar and melodic voices on the radio, but it didn’t calm him.

His hand squeezed Cas’s tighter, Cas squeezed back.

They didn’t talk. Dean wanted to say so much, but the words weren’t there. The car eventually parked, his time was up. It was time for war.

Dean kissed Cas one last time in the car, then had grabbed his duffel and had gotten out, gently closing the door.

Cas followed.

They stopped in front of the bus that Dean was supposed to go on. Dean hugged Cas tightly, but not too intimately. It didn’t last long, since a second too long would cause people to grow suspicious.

Dean already missed the warmth of Cas and the feel of his arms around him. He was going to miss him a lot, he knew it.

But, he’d make it out. For Cas.

“I love you.” He whispered one last time, it flowed to Cas and Cas only.

“I love  _ you _ ” Cas said back, never looking away from Dean’s eyes.

They attempted to softly smile at each other. They spoke with their eyes, both knew how much the other loves him, how much they’d miss each other. Dean wished he could kiss Cas again, he already missed the soft texture of Cas’s lips against his own. He didn’t want to forget his taste.

He glanced around and saw women with their lovers. They were able to hug and kiss all they wanted as they said their goodbye’s.

It simply wasn’t fair.

Dean heard the last call to get on the bus. Cas heard it too. They glanced at each other one last time, both holding so much love in their eyes. They smiled, each mesmerizing the other’s face.

“Bye Cas, we’ll see each other soon.” Dean softly declared, holding Cas’s stare. He did one last glance-over, running his eyes over Cas’s body and face. He wouldn’t see him again for a while.

“I’ll be waiting, my love.” That was the last thing Dean heard him say as he turned around and walked towards the bus. He told himself not to look back, he knew Cas was crying or holding back tears. If he looked back, he didn’t know if he would be able to not walk back over and hug him close.

Dean didn’t have a good amount of strength. He looked back. Cas was still standing there, his eyes shining with fresh tears. His dark brown hair was windswept. His blue eyes were wide sad. Dean gave a small smile and waved, Cas waved back.

His face was soon nothing but a blur in the distance as the bus sped off. Then, he was suddenly gone as the bus drove further away. The figure of Cas in his dorky collared vest and tie had disappeared.   

All Dean felt now was emptiness. He was completely alone.


	8. Chapter 8

It’s only been a week, but it feels like an eternity. A whole week had gone by since Dean’s departure, a week filled with loneliness and alcohol consumption. A week filled with utter sadness. Cas was lost, he feels like a zombie without purpose. Rarely does he eat or go out, all he does is mope around and lay in Dean’s bed. It still smelled like him. He missed his warmth and smell already. He missed everything about Dean.

He missed how he’d kiss him in the mornings, how he’d lay his feet up on the dashboard and how he’d run his hands through his hair. He missed his hugs, he missed the taste and feel of his lips, he missed his sparkling green eyes and freckles. His missed Dean’s voice. There wasn’t a single thing about Dean that Cas didn’t miss.

It was agony. He was living in a state of anguish and despair. The last thing he saw of Dean were his eyes, filled with such sorrow and love. He saw Dean’s face, still staring at his own, as the bus doors closed. He had watched as the bus drove further away with his lover inside. His heart breaking with every second.

Cas would look at the photographs every day, just to be sure he didn’t forget Dean’s face. He didn’t want to forget. He wanted to remember his features and musk. He’d curl up in Dean’s bed and remember moments with Dean, he’d spend his time finding anything photograph of Dean, desperate to see his face again.

Cas missed Dean, simple as that.

Eventually, he decided to get out of the apartment and get something to eat. He decided to eat at the diner, the same one that he met Dean at. He knew he shouldn’t go there, it would only cause him emotional pain. But, he went anyway.

Cas threw on an overcoat over his vest, then walked out the door. He decided to walk there, needing to get some exercise and fresh air. He wanted to be healthy when Dean came back. He couldn’t hole himself up in his apartment forever, he needed to stay strong. For Dean.

He eventually came upon the diner. It was crowded, noise everywhere. Exactly how it was the day Dean and him had met.

Cas remembered the day clearly. He was new to the town and somebody had suggested to eat at this diner as he wandered around looking for a place to eat. It was loud and chaotic.

He was skeptical at first when Dean started talking to him. He hadn’t known why Dean was trying to talk to someone like him, a loner who was new to the town. He didn’t expect anyone to try and befriend him.

But Dean did, and Cas was thankful for that. He soon came to enjoy Dean’s company in that small amount of time. By the end of that day, he couldn’t get the green-eyed man out of his mind. It was a good day, the best. He soon fell deeply in love after that day.

Cas sighed, already feeling down because of the memories pouring into his head. He walked inside the diner. Immediately he spotted Ellen, thankful that there was a friendly face that he knew.

“Hey sugar! Where’s Dean?” He couldn’t blame Ellen for asking that, this is basically the first time he’s come here without Dean.

Cas rubbed the back of his neck. So she hadn’t heard apparently. “Dean’s not here today… He went off to go fight in the war last week.” His voice was low and sad, she immediately lost her smile.

“Oh my…. That’s a darn tragedy. He’s a tough kid, I’m sure he’ll make it.” Cas knew Ellen was trying to reassure him, he was glad somebody sympathized with him.

“Yeah, I’m rooting for him.” He didn’t say anymore on the subject, not wanting to give away that they were lovers. Ellen thought they were just good friends.

She leads him over to the counter, he took a seat on the stool. She immediately went to go prepare his usual order. It felt empty without Dean, he didn’t know what to do. When the food was placed down in front of him, he didn’t finish it all.

Cas soon became become too upset at the loss of Dean and paid for his meal. As he walked out, he didn’t see the sad look Ellen had as she watched him go.

Cas quickly walked to his apartment, furiously wiping away tears that were threatening to spill. He didn’t know why he was so upset and emotional. He’d see Dean again. Dean wouldn’t break their promise. He’d come home alive and well and they’d have the life together that they planned. It wasn’t like Dean was dead. He was alive and he was coming back.

Cas made himself believe that. If he didn’t, then he’d have nothing to look forward to. If he didn’t hold onto that, then he’d have no hope.

Soon, after twenty minutes, he came upon the apartment building. Cas rushed through the door and climbed the steps two at a time. He came upon his apartment and hastily walked inside, shutting the door beside him.

He didn’t even get to his bed; he just fell onto the couch with a sudden loss of energy. He didn’t know how long he lay there, staring at nothing. Time passed, there was a knock on the door. Cas frowned. He wasn’t expecting anybody. He got up anyway and went to answer the door, he squinted in confusion at who was standing on the other side.

“Hello?”

Evelyn glared at him, he was taken aback. Cas didn’t know what she was doing here, nor did he want to deal with her right now.

“You sneaky bastard. You think you’re so clever, don’t you?” She spat out, pointing her gloved finger in his face. Cas backed up which caused her to step inside his apartment. He was about to tell her to get the hell out, but she had more to say.

“I saw you, you know. On the fourth of July all cuddled up with Dean. At first, I wasn’t sure. I just saw two figures kissing and I almost left it alone, but then I looked closer and  _ saw _ you.” Disgust laced her venomous voice.

Cas widened his eyes.

No, that couldn’t be. How could she have seen? Cas started panicking, this couldn’t be happening, she  _ can’t _ know. Cas knew she might cause trouble in the future, but he never suspected this.

“What are you talking about?” He said coolly, trying not to let his inner panic show. She sneered.

“Oh don’t play innocent! I’ve been watching you, how you two would always sneak glances at each other. At first, I thought he was just rejecting me because of something important. But now I find out that it was for some cock-sucker like you.”

She yelled out the words, angry and annoyed. Cas trembled, he suddenly felt sick and cold all over.

“What are you going to do about it? So what if we’re a thing? Call me that all you want but it doesn’t change the fact that Dean and I are in love. You’re just jealous that he wants me and not you.” He was angry. He was upset, he was seeing red. After all this time, after so much effort put into keeping their relationship a secret, it’s suddenly out in the open and busted just like that. Sudden and quick.

“Don’t speak to me like that and don’t you  _ dare _ . You better watch your back Castiel.”

Cas flared his nose.

“Is that why you came here? To flaunt the fact in my face that you know about me and Dean?”

She smirked, but it was cold and bitter.

“Yes, and to warn you. Stop this thing with him and I won’t tell anyone. But if you continue to see him, game over.”

“Well he’s at war right now so it’s not like I have a choice.”

Evelyn shrugged. “Exactly. Let him go when he comes back and all will be forgotten.”

Cas couldn’t believe this. He wanted to punch a wall. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted Dean. He felt like he was going to explode. He couldn’t let anything happen to Dean, he couldn’t risk people hurting him because of their relationship. He couldn’t believe he was thinking about this, but he couldn’t let Dean get hurt.

Dean’s safety came first.

“Fine. But, why’re you keeping this a secret? I thought you’d tell everyone you know.”

“If I tell people, then they’ll throw both you  _ and _ Dean in jail. I can’t have that happen to Dean.”

Cas clenched his fists. He couldn’t believe that Evelyn thought that she’d be able to have Dean. It was a stupid thing to think.

“Whatever.” He slammed the door in her face.

“Stay to your part of the deal Castiel or else.” She yelled out, then was gone.

Cas leaned back against the door and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. There was no way in hell he was going to let Dean go. They were gonna get through this together. Maybe it was selfish, but Cas loved Dean too much to let him go. Screw what’s right, Cas wasn’t giving up.

Dean was fighting for Cas in the war right now, so Cas would fight for Dean until his last breath.


	9. Chapter 9

**March, 1972**

War was scary. It was hard and painful. Every day was a struggle. Dean would trudge through swamps and barren landscapes. He had to watch people he befriended die. He killed people, blood and death surrounded him everywhere he went. Screams and explosions was all he heard nowadays, nothing else. Nothing was easy or happy. Dean has barely smiled in the past two or so years. There was nothing to smile about.

Every night, Dean thought about Cas. Every day, he thought about Cas. It’s what got him through this war alive, knowing that when he got back, Cas would be there. His promise was kept, he fought for Cas with every ounce of strength in his body.

He’d go through bomb sites or raid towns and think about Cas to keep him sane. He’d think about Disneyland, he’d think about Cas’s smile and face. He’d try and remember what it felt like to hold Cas.

People would ask him if he had a girl back home, they’d ask if he was fighting for anyone. He’d reply with a nod, but never say who. They didn’t pester him.

These days, the only emotion that Dean knew of was pain, fear and anxiety. Everyday he’d worry that it was his last, then would be overcome with relief at the end of the day. Yet, the guilt still followed him. He would watch his war buddies die in battle and would know that they have a lover back home who would hear of the news and never be the same. He sometimes wished that he had taken their place in death so that they could have lived to see their lover’s face again. Then again, a selfish part of him wanted to be able to see Cas again.

His emotions were messy, some days he could hardly think clearly.

He’d wake up in the middle of the night sometimes sweating from a bad dream. He’d dream of explosions and guns. He’d dream of bloody faces and last breaths. The death of people he knew in the time he’s been fighting in the war haunts him. He’d constantly have visions on faces he knew, filled with anguish and pain as they took their last breath and stared at him pleadingly. The ones who died, he couldn’t do anything to help or save them.

Dean could feel himself breaking every day; slowly.

During his time in the Vietnam War, he’s hardened with muscle and sternness. In the time he’s been here, he’s rarely ever soft or easy-going. He now understood what people mean when they say war changes people. He was experiencing it for himself.

He had gotten a position high in command and would constantly bark out orders. He wasn’t a scared and new soldier anymore, he had grown a hard shell and had become an experienced commander.

Dean tried to hold on to who he was. His old self. He didn’t want to go back home to Cas and be some stern guy who never smiles. But, he could feel his old self dissolving into the past, dropping deeper as his war self rose to the surface. It overtook him. Dean was scared.

But even now, he still remembered Cas, he was the one thing that Dean was holding onto. If Dean didn’t have Cas, he would have lost hope long ago. He probably would’ve been dead in the first few months. But, he stayed strong and held on.

He still held on. It was a feeling he got, he knew he was going home soon.

He was right. He was scheduled to leave next week. Finally, after living in a poisonous environment for so long and sleeping in tents and on muddy grounds, he was going home. Dean was thrilled to see Cas again. To kiss him, tell him he loves him, to be with him.

Dean had to go on one more raid. They had stormed through a dark and silent village; searching. It was all quiet, there was nobody. He had starting thinking that they were sent on a goose chase. There wasn’t even a bird or ant in sight. They were about to turn back when suddenly guns had gone off.

It was a trap.

The attackers were on the enemy side, they had shot and killed four of Dean’s men. It was a tragic day. Dean had dived under fallen roofs and hid behind dead bodies. He had fired until there were no bullets left. The enemies ended up running off as they had started to lose the battle.

Dean was tired. His limbs were sore, his eyes were drooping and his whole body ached. His throat was dry, he took a sip from his oval shaped bottle, but there was barely any water left.

As they traveled back, they stopped for supplies and to rest. Luckily they weren’t attacked again. Soon, they were back at camp, and Dean was done.

He was seeing Cas again soon, and that was enough for him to keep going. To use his last ounce of energy to haul himself back in one piece. He had made it. Dean was one of the lucky ones.

But, he wished that everyone was as lucky as him. He wished that nobody had to die. He hated these wars, but it was a part of life.

His time here in battle had caused him to grow and mature, to learn and see things that he thought he’d never see up close;

Death, explosions, blood and torture, endless physical pain and limbs being blown off.

Those things really changed a man. He could never unsee the things he had witnessed on the battlefield. He was forever scarred and would most likely carry that baggage with him for the rest of his life.

Dean may be able to leave the war alive, he may be free soon, but he would never forget or be free of his experience and the haunting faces.

It would follow him into his daily life and dreams, that would turn into nightmares.

He was just lucky to be alive. If it meant that he had to remember all those things, he was fine with that. He was grateful to have survived this long, to be able to see the light of day and his lover again.

It was something a lot of people didn’t get if they fought in the war.

Soon, the day came when Dean was going back. He was ecstatic. A bus had drove over. Dean had gathered his things, though he didn’t have a lot. He said his goodbye’s then took a deep breath and stepped onto the bus.

He was coming home, at last.


	10. Chapter 10

It was a feeling that Cas couldn’t explain. Dean was alive and he was coming back. Cas woke up and had felt a sudden rush of excitement. He just knew by gut instinct. After two years of waiting, he’d finally be back with his lover.

He had immediately hopped out of his own bed and knew what he had to do. Cas found Evelyn’s number from certain sources and had dialed it. He knew Evelyn was still in town, she’d stuck around for Dean. He didn’t know why she didn’t just find someone else, she had this awful obsession with him.

As Cas dialed, he was half sure that Evelyn wouldn’t actually tattle. Even if she did, she had no proof, all she had was her voice which wouldn’t be enough.

It rang. Once then twice.

“Evelyn speaking.”

He grimaced at her voice.

“It’s Castiel. I called to tell you our deal is off.”

He heard a squeak on the other end. He smirked. She probably thought that she had had him, that he would be too scared to back out. Evelyn had underestimated the depth of Cas’s love for Dean. He wasn’t going to let him go, not when he was sure that Dean was alive.

He wasn’t going to let some woman that he barely knew threaten him. He definitely wasn’t going to give Dean up because of some law. Cas didn’t care that it was illegal, all he wanted was to be with the man he loves. He wasn’t going to let anyone get in his way of that, not now, not ever.

“You’re making a mistake Castiel.” She was seething.

Cas rolled his eyes.

“I love Dean and I’m not going to back down just because you had lamely threatened me. Goodbye.”

He hung up on her, not caring to hear anything else she had to say. He spent the rest of the day painting, he wanted to give it to Dean as a welcoming home gift. Once it was around evening, he was satisfied with what he had done. Even to him, it was impressive. Dean would love it.

Cas set it on top of the table in the kitchen to let it dry. His stomach soon growled. Cas had been so into his work that he had forgotten to eat. It was around 7:00 so he assumed the diner would still be opened.

He grabbed his wallet then exited the apartment building. It was a tiring walk, but he got there before 7:30.

The bell dinged as he walked inside then took a set at the counter. He didn’t see Ellen anywhere. A waitress came over and asked what he wanted to eat, he ordered a soup.

Cas swayed in his seat and hummed to the music. It was a peaceful atmosphere with few people seated at the tables. His soup soon arrived and he gulped it down, feeling slightly better after eating a meal.

He paid for his food then was out the door again.

Cas shoved his hands in the pockets of his slacks and shivered, it was chilly. There were barely any people on the streets, it seemed lonely and quiet. But Cas didn’t mind. He walked along the sidewalk in the direction of his apartment.

A breeze swept past him.

He walked faster. Cas felt like he was being watched or followed. He looked around, flitting his over anything he saw. There was nobody suspicious. Cas blamed it on the chilly atmosphere.

Just when he told himself that he was being silly and that nothing strange was going on, he was suddenly dragged roughly by his overcoat. It was dark, Cas couldn’t see his attackers.

“What the he-”

He didn’t finish his sentence. A hand smacked down onto him, then another. He was helpless and panicking. Cas didn’t know any defense moves, he was too stunned to defend himself and push the attackers off.

A hard item came down into his side, he fell. Feet kicked him, he lay there with his hands over his head. Shaking, trembling. He wanted Dean.

Dean.

Dean was coming home, he had to see him, he had to be there. He attempted to get up, but was pushed down again.

“Stay down fag. Gay freaks like you don’t deserve mercy Disgusting sinner.” A rough voice grumbled out then spit on him, Cas then realized what this was about.

But, he couldn’t do anything about it. As he lay there, being beaten on, all he could think about was his time with Dean. He closed his eyes and remembered Disneyland, he thought about Dean’s warm smile. He thought about how they had danced together in the living room. His senses started to fade.

He tried to stay awake. For Dean. Everything was going black.

He had to stay alive, his promise had to stay kept.

But his body ached, he wanted to sleep. He was shoved and kicked. Cas was slowly giving up. He thought about how Dean had promised he would be there for him, he wished he was now. Cas felt alone, abandoned. He hated the war, he hated the law, he hated this town.

The only person he didn’t hate was Dean. He could never hate Dean. He would love Dean until death.

Soon, it stopped. He heard cackling and loud voices, it was dark, his head was pounding. He heard footsteps, then felt another kick. He was fading.

Dean’s face popped into Cas’s mind and he held onto that image as he felt his body slipping away, his consciousness slowly losing its battle.

In his last waking moments, he accepted that he was weak. That maybe, Dean was better off without him.

Footsteps echoed as they got further away. Cas lay there, unable to move. His body felt broken, blood was starting to dry on his face and clothes. It didn’t matter that he was still breathing, he was already dead.

In his last conscious moments, he wished he could tell Dean that he’s sorry. He wanted to be with Dean one last time, to feel his lips on his and run his hand through his hair. Cas regretted that he wouldn’t be there to greet Dean as he got off the bus. He felt guilt as it sunk in that his promise to be there when Dean came back, was now broken.

Cas soon stopped trying, he stopped hanging on. His strength was gone. He wanted to keep going, but everything hurt and he was tired.

Cas realized he would never have the life he wanted, he would never live to see the day when being with a man was legal. Cas wanted Dean, but couldn’t have him.

Too far. Dean was too far; they could never have that happy life.

Then, Cas slipped away into full unconsciousness. His last thought passed through.

_ I love you, my forbidden lover. I’ll be waiting. _

Then, he was gone. Faded to nothing but a crippled body on the ground in a dark alleyway. Merely another victim.

A victim of violence, a victim of hatred, a victim of unaccepting homophobes.

His crime, according to the people, was simply being in love with a man. 

 


	11. Chapter 11

The bus creaked to a stop, finally. Dean quickly grabbed his stuff and got off as fast as he could. He was excited and thrilled. He was finally going to have Cas back in his arms. He had been yearning to see his face again, to feel his body against his. Now he could. There was nothing stopping him. He had made it out, he was going to be reunited with the love of his life.

He hopped off energetically and glanced around. He couldn’t see Cas yet, so he waited. Then waited a little longer. He saw people reuniting with their loved ones, running towards each other and embracing then kissing shamelessly. He wanted that with Cas, he desperately wished that he was able to openly show his love for Cas.

But in this sad world, he couldn’t. He had to wait until the privacy of the car or their apartments.

Dean was bouncing in his seat on the bench, he glanced around, everywhere. No sign of Cas yet. He sighed, and waited.

He remembered Cas’s last words to him. He had told Dean that he would be waiting. He had a nervous thought that maybe Cas had stopped loving him and had given up, he worried that maybe Cas had found someone else. Then, he scolded himself for thinking that about Cas.

His lover was loyal and trusting. He would never do that to Dean, he’d be here. Dean was sure of it. He would wait.

An hour seemed to pass, Cas still hadn’t arrived. Dean told himself to not panic. Maybe he didn’t know Dean was coming back today, maybe he had gotten stuck in traffic, maybe he had slept in. There were many possibilities, Dean wasn’t sure which one was correct.

He sighed and leaned back. His eyes glancing over all the cars and people, searching for a blue Volkswagen and an adorable brown-haired, blue-eyed man. He rubbed his hand over his face, his stubble felt scratchy and rough.

Dean was getting impatient.

People were glancing at him, wondering why he was still here. Wondering why he wasn’t on his way home with his lover. Dean wondered that too.

He saw someone walk over and sit down next to him out of the corner of his eye.

“You waiting for someone?” He glanced over, a woman was sitting next to him, her eyes were red and puffy.

“Yeah… You okay?”

She sighed. “I just found out that my husband had died in battle.”

Dean swallowed. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

The woman shot him a smile, though it still looked sad.

“Thank you. Are they late?”

He nodded and shuffled his feet. “Very. They said they’d be waitin’ for me when I got back. It’s been an hour and they still aren’t here.”

Dean ran a hand through his hair, looking around again.

“Would you like a ride? I was about to leave anyway so it wouldn’t be any trouble.”

Dean hesitated. He wanted to stay here incase Cas came. But, he soon realized there’d be no point in waiting. He probably just didn’t know Dean was coming and was still in his apartment.”

“Sure, thank you ma’am.”

She shrugged. “No problem, and please call me Amy.”

Dean nodded. “Alright, I’m Dean by the way.”

They shook hands, then she leads him over to her car which was a 1964 Maserati. “Nice car.” Dean commented, admiring the vehicle.

“Thank you.”

He sat in the passenger seat while Amy got behind the wheel. He told her where he lived, then they sped off onto the road. The ride was silent, Dean stared out the window at the passing scenery during it. It was a huge change from the landscape he had seen during his time in war. He was glad to be back. Safe from guns and sudden explosions or the constant fear and keeping one eye open while sleeping.

It was exhausting.

Soon, the ride ended and Amy’s car pulled up by the apartment buildings. It was still the same. He thanked her then grabbed his bag and hopped out. He knew that he’d probably never see her again, he didn’t see the point in staying around for conversation.

Dean was desperate to get back to Cas, especially now that he was so close.

He sprinted up the stairs and got to his room. He took out the key and unlocked the door, then pushed it open. He walked inside and dropped his duffel by the door.

“Cas?”

No answer.

His apartment wasn’t too different. It was clean, some things were moved around, but not much had changed. Dean walked around and searched for Cas, but soon realized that he was probably in his own apartment.

Dean went to Cas’s then knocked. Still no answer.

“Cas it’s me, Dean!” He yelled out and knocked again, still no answer. Dean frowned. The only other place Cas could be was either the diner or the bookstore. He was probably in walking distance since his car was still parked out front.

Dean sighed and walked out of Cas’s apartment, shutting the door behind him. He hurriedly ran out of the apartment building as he sped walked towards the diner, he needed to see Cas. Seeing Cas was the same as needing air, it was a necessity.

Once he saw the diner in sight, he sprinted towards it and ran through the door. Some people turned their heads to look, then went back to eating their meal. Dean caught his breath then looked around.

Still nothing.

“Dean you’re back!” He heard an excited voice shout out, then recognized it to be Ellen who was scurrying towards him.

“Hey Ellen, have you seen Cas?” The smile on her face instantly dropped. Dean frowned at that.

“You haven’t heard about what happened yet?”

Dean froze, his breath stopped for a moment. Her tone was pitiful, soft and sad. Dean furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head.

“No, what happened?” He desperately hoped it was nothing bad, that it wasn’t what Dean was thinking. Cas had to be okay, he promised that he’d be here.

“He… Well he was found in an alleyway yesterday. He was beaten up pretty badly, they say that he was pretty close to death.” She spoke slowly, softly, glancing at Dean warily. She knew how close they were, that they were good friends. But, she didn’t know that they were lovers.

Dean gulped, his skin suddenly turning pale. “But… He’s okay right? He’s alive?”

Ellen sighed, her expression downcast. “Barely, I believe he’s in a coma of some sort. I visited him, the doctors said he might not survive. There’s chance he could wake up, but it’s a low one.”

Dean could barely concentrate on what she was saying. This was some sick joke, it had to be. Cas wasn’t really hurt, he couldn’t be. He was alive just nine months ago. He promised. He had  _ promised _ that they’d be with each other again, that they’d get a house and a dog and that they’d get married one day and grow old together.

Dean couldn’t do that alone, Cas had to be there with him.

“I have to see him.” He said quickly, then was out the door before Ellen could reply.

He ran, he ran as fast as he could towards the hospital. It was a couple miles away. Dean knew that he wouldn’t be able to make it there on foot.

He found a bus stop and got on when it arrived, he told the man where he needed to go. Dean’s leg never stopped jiggling nervously as he sat on the cushioned seat.

Much later, he finally arrived at the hospital, he thanked the driver then hopped off and ran through the entrance. He stormed up to the desk, he probably looked like a madman.

“Castiel Novak, where is he?” Dean demanded, tapping his fingers onto the counter.

“What’s your relation with that patient?” Dean groaned, he didn’t have time for this.

“I’m… A close friend. Please let me see him. I just got back from war and heard he’s hurt. I need to see him.”

He silently pleaded that the woman would give in. There was something in his voice and eyes that made the woman sigh in defeat and give him the room number. His voice was strained and desperate, he was choking back tears.

Dean thanked her then took the elevator to the second floor, he soon found Cas’s room. Dean burst inside then stopped. His eyes immediately landed on Cas. He looked different, so different from when he had last laid his eyes on him.

There were bruises around his face, his arm was in a bandaged. He looked broken and crippled laying there under the white sheets. There was a tube going into his mouth, his eyes were closed. His chest was barely moving. Dean walked closer. He almost didn’t want to look anymore. His last good memory of Cas’s face was at the base when he was dropped off.

Dean grabbed a chair and sat by Cas’s bed, he silently willed for him to wake up.

“Cas hey… It’s me Dean.” His voice was croaky and almost a whisper. He hoped that Cas could hear him. That he was still alive in there.

He sniffled then took Cas’s hand in his and held it. It felt the same. Soft. Dean gripped it tighter and kisses his knuckles.

“Listen, you gotta wake up okay? I kept my end of the promise, now you have to keep your end of it. We’re gonna be happy together, we’re gonna live a good life and be together alright? But you gotta wake up, I can’t do it alone Cas… I just can’t.” The tears were coming down now, streaming down his tanned cheeks.

“C’mon baby, wake up.”

His eyes stayed close.

“Wake up please.” He tried again, Cas stayed still.

“Dammit.” He muttered under his breath.

“I missed you so much, it was almost unbearable. I thought about you every day. I stayed strong and I held on… For you.” He shuffled closer.

“I love you so much. Please wake up so I can tell you in person. Wake up so I can kiss you again. I can’t have you dyin’ on me yet. It’s not your time Cas.”

Dean leaned over and pressed a salty kiss to Cas’s bruised forehead. He shut his eyes, relishing the feel of his skin against Dean’s lips

He crawled onto the bed and held Cas in his arms gently and lovingly.

“You’ve got to fight Cas, you’ve got to wake up. We still have so much to do. We’re gonna buy a house with a fence and we’re gonna get a dog, just like you wanted.”

He was sobbing now, his tears falling onto Cas’s head.

“Cas baby I need you. I was so miserable when I was away from you but now I’m back. We can be together again. I promised you that I wouldn’t let anything happen to you and it kills me to know that I wasn’t here to keep you safe.”

Now, he hated the war more than ever. If he hadn’t had left, Cas would have never gotten hurt. It was his fault, all his fault. Dean couldn’t find anyone else to blame but himself. Cas was fading away into nothingness and there was nothing he could do but hope. Hope that a miracle would happen.

Dean felt helpless and scared. Cas was right there, in his arms. But, he couldn’t help but feel they were apart again.

Minutes and hours passed, Cas still had no change. Dean rambled on, talking about things they would do, he talked about Disneyland and talked about how much he loves Cas. He held him tightly, whispering to him how much he needs him, how he needed to wake up.

It was all so surreal. Dean never saw this coming, it didn’t feel real. He would close his eyes then open them again. He would hope that he’d wake up, in bed with Cas.

When he opened them, he was in bed with Cas, but not in the way he wanted. Cas was unconscious and hurt. Instead of their own bed, he was in a hospital bed.

Dean continued talking to Cas. He told him about the war, he told him about how he yearned to be with Caspar, he told him his feelings and emotions, he described all their good memories. He talked about anything.

He kissed Cas’s cold lips, he kept them there and shut his eyes. He thought that maybe if he pressed hard enough, Cas would respond and move his mouth with his own.

But it didn’t happen.

Dean pulled away and moved some hair out of Cas’s face, then ran his hand down Cas’s face, softly and lovingly. The feel of Cas’s skin on his fingers was something he had desperately wished for in war. All he had felt was metal and blood. He needed the soft skin of Cas or his tousled hair.

He had it back now, but it wasn’t what he expected. Cas was in a coma, and his hair was greasy, blood was drying on top of it. His skin, it was covered in cuts and bruises. Dean wanted to break. To scream and sob at the top of his lungs. But he didn’t, not yet.

He had to stay strong, for Cas. It was like a drill in his head, glued into his mind He held on, for his male lover.

Soon he felt tired, he wanted to sleep, to finally rest. Dean needed to stay away, he had to. He’d hate himself if Cas woke up and Dean wasn’t awake to see it. But, soon he felt his body giving in and he felt his eyes starting to close.

He didn’t open them again, his head fell on top of Cas’s, his arms wrapped around his fragile body. He fell into a needed deep sleep. His dreams, weren’t filled with blood and screams. They were filled with Cas and all the good memories with him. He dreamed of Cas’s skin on his as they moved together, he dreamed of Cas’s ocean-blue eyes, he dreamed of their time at Disneyland and dreamed of how they had danced in the moonlit living room.

Suddenly, he dreamed of beeps and voices. They invaded his dream, he squirmed and mumbled. They got louder, more realistic. He could feel his dream body shaking, hands were grabbing him. He was running, Cas was right there. But he couldn’t get to him, the distance kept getting longer. He couldn’t get to him, couldn’t save him.

His eyes shot open and adjusted to the dark room. There were a couple nurses around him, prodding him and speaking.

“Sir, you have to get up.”

Dean grunted and sat up, his arms still around Cas’s body. The beeping was consistent, not exactly rhythmic but a straight, low beep. His senses suddenly adjusted to reality and he frowned.

“Why, what’s going on?”

“It’s Castiel, he’s stopped breathing. You must get up.”

Dean jolted up and hopped off the bed, he observed Cas hastily and desperately glanced at the nurses. His chest felt heavy, there was a deep pain cutting through him, like a knife constantly cutting through his skin.

“Is he gonna be okay? Can you save him?” He rambled on and paced, he ran his hand through his hair quickly and panted. His chest heaved.

“I don’t know but you have to stay out of the way.” One of the nurses said softly, as if talking to a spooked horse. They were doing something, putting things on his mouth and yelling out orders. They pushed down on his chest, pumped something like oxygen into his mouth, the beeping went high then low.

Dean stood in the corner near the bed and watched with desperation, he wanted to do something, he wanted to help. He wanted to run over and hold Cas in his arms, he needed to be there for him. To comfort him. It was a gut instinct, he merely needed to help Cas and be there for him.

He had made a promise to himself, to be there for Cas in his bad times. To hold him and tell him he’ll be okay and that he’ll make it. But, all he could do was stand there helplessly as his promise was breaking and dissolving away. He couldn’t help. If Cas died, it wouldn’t be in his arms or in his bed at an old age. It was in a hospital, surrounded by nurses he didn’t know.

He slid down the wall and shoved his hand into his hands, he squeezed his eyes shut. All he heard was screams, desperate yells and beeps. He tried to even out his breathing, he tried to calm himself.

In and out. In and out. He learned how to breathe in war, how to calm his nerves as he stood in the front of the battle line, not knowing if he would make it out alive. When there were bombs falling down where he was, he calmed his breathing.

But now, the reality set in that Cas may or may not live. He couldn’t breathe.

“We’re losing him, c’mon give him more air!” The nurses’ voices were desperate, he willed them to save him. He was counting on them. Cas’s life was truly in their hands.

Suddenly, the beeps went low, into one long beep. The line went flat, the nurses stepped back in defeat. Anguish and loss filled the air, it was like the war all over again. Dean went still, hearing the flat beep but not believing it.

Castiel Novak died at exactly 12:45 A.M. in the dark, cold hospital room. 


	12. Chapter 12

Dean has dealt with a lot of death in his lifetime. The first time someone he knew and loved had died, he was eight years old. His mother died while on the road, her last moments were heaving her last breaths as her crippled and bloody body lay beneath the crushed metal of her car. There was nothing Dean could’ve done to stop it, he was helpless and clueless at his friend’s house.

He witnessed death in the town he grew up in. They were people he didn’t know. Children shot, black people were killed, men of his sexuality were beaten. He didn’t think much of it, not at the time. He was young, he didn’t feel a huge loss in his soul.

Then, he witnessed more death than ever in war. Every day, people around him would die either on the battlefield or in the medic tent. They’d die either instantly from the explosion of a bomb or the firing of a gun. Or, they’d die slowly and painfully while lying there with a limb missing or cuts all along them. They’d die on a blanket around doctors in some muddy field. They’d die without being saved, without having a chance.

Dean couldn’t help. Always helpless, always guilty.

Now, his lover slipped away from his, so quickly. He died from the violence of a hate-crime. He died, without being held or soothed. He died, and Dean was still helpless, curled up in the corner and wishing this was all a dream.

All that was heard in the small room was breathing and tears slipping down faces. The nurses were unplugging the mouth piece, they turned off the machine. All that was left was silence.

Dean glanced up, one look at Cas’s dead body shook him to pieces. He didn’t look dead; he was laying there with his eyes closed. He was just sleeping; he couldn’t be dead. They were gonna grow old together and die in their home, peaceful and in each other’s company. Then, Dean would follow after.

He shot up and ran over to Cas’s body.

“Sir-”

He cut them off.

“No, he’s not dead. He doesn’t even look dead! He’s still alive, you hear me?”

He leaned down and held Cas’s body, he kissed all over his face then grabbed his jaw in his hands. Still bruised, still cold. Tears dripped down onto Cas’s head and eyes, Dean was distraught.

“C’mon Cas wake up, I know you’re still in there. You’ve got to open your eyes. You’re gonna be an artist and create beautiful things, alright? You’ve got a whole life ahead of you to live, but you’ve gotta wake up.” His tone was commanding, he waited. He waited for Cas to open his eyes and throw his arms around Dean. He waited for him to wake up, because Cas had promised he’d be there. Dean would wait.

“Sir… I’m sorry but he’s dead. You have to let go.”

Dean was furious, his hands trembled and his body felt cold then hot. He was sweating, tears still fell. He wouldn’t accept it. How could the nurses be so come? They just lost a man, Dean just lost a lover. Couldn’t they understand?

Dean felt alone, he was truly alone.

Cas still wouldn’t respond, his body stayed unmoving, not an inch of him moved. Dean whipped his head up and glared at the nurses, standing there looking at him pitifully, their eyes were wide and gloomy.

“You have to fix him; you have to help him. He has to wake up okay? You don’t understand, you don’t understand.” He ranted on and lashed out, he climbed onto the bed and held Cas’s body, he trembled. The room was small, he couldn’t breathe.

“Sir you have to get up, please.”

“No  _ no _ you don't understand. He’s my lover and I love him, I just can’t let him go, you don’t understand!” He sobbed, his body shook with the force of his cries. His hands rubbed over Cas’s arms and over his stomach through the fabric of the hospital gown.

“Please Cas wake up, I can’t do this without you. I need you and I love you. We were apart for so long; I need you back.” He mumbled into Cas’s hair, this couldn’t be happening. He  _ couldn’t _ be dead.

“I’m weak without you, you have to stay strong Cas you’ve got to wake up.” He kept mumbling, not stopping. He thought, that maybe if he talked more, Cas would wake up to the sound of his voice. He’d hear Dean and wake up. He had to.

But, he never did.

Hands grabbed at him, pulling him off. He tried to grab at Cas, desperately. He leaned over and nuzzled his face and kissed his lips. It wasn’t the same.

“No no I have to stay; I love him… I-I love him so much I need to stay with him.” He cried out, trying to tug away from the arms. They pulled him off the bed, not too roughly. It was a gentle grip, but firm.

“We understand, but you  _ have _ to get up.” The soft voices spoke, they didn’t understand. A man came over and covered Cas’s body with a sheet, his battered face was lost as it was covered with a thick piece of fabric. Dean sobbed.

His body was covered; Cas couldn’t be seen. Dean needed to see Cas again, but he couldn’t see. It was dark, Cas was shielded under a sheet.

“Please…” he mumbled softly, desperately staring at where Cas’s body was. It was just a lump now; he couldn’t see his skin or face. His vision was blurred, the tears filled his eyes then streamed down some more. His throat hurt, his face felt red. His eyes burned.

Eventually, he was pulled out of the room. He fought and struggled, sobbing hysterically as he helplessly reached for Cas. Dean was empty, a void was created deep in his body. One that couldn’t be filled. His lover was gone; Dean had died along with him. Without Cas, he was didn’t have a purpose or life. Just zombie-like.

He ended up taking a bus home, there was nothing left at the hospital for him. Cas was dead, all that was left was his beaten body. It hurt too much to stay, knowing Cas’s deceased body was lying in a room near him.

He slept uneasily that night. His dreams weren’t peaceful, they were filled with terror and haunting memories. He eventually gave up sleep after much tossing and turning. He lay there, looking at the photographs of him and Cas.

Little did he know, while he was at war, Cas lay in that same bed while sadly glancing over the photographs.

They were faded, but Dean could still make out their faces and the surroundings. He ended up sobbing again.

Dean spent the next few days in his apartment, not letting himself see light. He stayed in bed or sat in the living room, listening to the songs they danced to, listening to all Cas's favorite songs. He barely ate or slept. He consumed large amounts of alcohol.

He was tired. His experience from war was catching up to him. The death of Cas added onto that pain and depression. Dean was wrecked, ruined. He walked around without doing anything, he felt only hurt and numbness. Dead was distressed.

Soon, the day of Cas’s funeral came. Dean had dressed in a suit. He took his motorcycle and drove to the town church, tears filling his eyes. He sat in the chair, staring blankly at the casket in front of him. He listened as people spoke about him, speaking about how great he was without barely even knowing him. Dean didn’t say anything; he knew he’d end up crying again. He wanted to, he desperately wanted to storm up there and talk about how in love they were; how beautiful and spectacular Cas was.

But he didn’t. He was scared and wobbly on his feet.

People walked up and paid their respects. Dean followed. He glanced at Cas’s body, he was dressed in a suit. His face was still bruised, but clean. Yellow and purple colors spread across his face. There was a cut on his lip and forehead.

Dean looked away, biting his lip. He stood back, and simply nodded when people came up to him and asked how he was doing.

The time came, when the casket was lowered into the ground. He stood, unable to breathe. He shook. Cas’s casket was laid into the ground, it then disappeared into the hole in the ground. The tears fell silently. He gulped and glanced away.

It hurt, to watch the man he loves get lowered into the ground, never seeing daylight again. Dean would never see Cas’s face again, never see his bright smile, never look into those captivating eyes. It hurt, a lot. He willed himself to stay throughout the rest of the funeral.

He wasn’t as strong as he thought.

Dean moved past the crowd, not looking back at the place where Cas would be buried. He was almost away from everyone, when he heard his name being called. He turned around and wiped his eyes as Ellen came over.

“Hey Dean… How are you doing?” She knew how close Dean was with Cas, she was concerned and upset for him.

Dean sniffled. “Not good, in fact I’m gonna head off. It hurts too much to be here.”

Ellen nodded understandingly. “If you need anything, you know where to find me.”

Dean nodded then said goodbye. He was grateful for Ellen’s friendly concern, he told her that he’ll come to her if he needed anything. But, he never did. Dean only needed Cas.

He hopped onto his motorcycle and drove back to the apartment. He quickly walked inside and sprinted to his room. He dug through a drawer and found the spare key to Cas’s room. Once he had it, he grabbed a photo of him and Cas then stuffed it into his pocket. Then, he left his apartment and took two steps at a time to Cas’s floor.

Once there, he walked through the door slowly. It was dark, everything looked normal. It almost seemed like everything was still the same. But it wasn’t.

He walked towards the albums and pulled out an Elvis song, then placed the disc onto the record player.

_ Love me tender, love me sweet.  _

_ Never let me go.  _

_ You have made my life complete and I love you so. _

His bottom lip trembled. The lyrics touched his heart, they were special to him. It was their song. He had never related more the lyrics than in that moment. He loved Cas tenderly, Cas completed him and he completed Cas. Never would he ever let him go.

Dean walked through the rooms, choking back tears. It wasn’t the same without Cas here. He went to Cas’s bed and climbed onto it. He put his face into the pillow and inhaled, it distinctly smelled like Cas. He sobbed once more, letting his cries mix in with the slow melody of Elvis.

He got up eventually and walked into the kitchen. The kitchen that held so many memories. He saw a canvas on the table. He glanced at it.

It was a painting. A painting of him and Cas, looking at each other. He had painted them in different colors, almost like an abstract painting. He sat down at the chair and ran his fingers over the dried paint. It was beautiful. There were colors splashed together in the background.

Dean missed Caspar terribly. Suddenly feeling like he couldn’t breathe, he shook and eventually broke. He screamed and kicked things, he punched walls and cried out angrily.

Everything caught up to him. Society, the war, Cas and his death. Everything. It was too much, too overwhelming. Dean screamed and pulled at his hair.

Flashbacks and memories, haunting faces and screams. He couldn’t handle it. Dean wasn’t strong enough, he couldn’t do it. Not without Cas. He silently apologized to Cas for everything that happened to him. He apologized that he couldn’t stay strong.

He was a broken shell of a man.

Dean ran down the steps and outside, he burst out the door and hopped onto his bike, he sped off. He didn’t know where he was going, but he ended up at the cemetery by Cas’s grave.

He knelt onto the dirt and stared at the tombstone which had his birth, name and date of death engraved onto the stone. Dean couldn’t cry anymore, there were no tears left.

“I’m sorry Cas, I wish that things could’ve been different. I hate that this happened. I… I love you so much and I always will. In a perfect world, we’re married and growing old together. I just can’t do it anymore, I’m weak and helpless without you.”

He sniffed and wiped his hands on his jeans. He leaned over to kiss the tombstone. He took out the photograph of him and Cas smiling brightly at the camera. It was a good photo taken on a memorable day. He glanced at it one more time, sadly flitting his eyes over Cas’s young and alive face.

Then, he dug a whole and placed it in the dirt on top of where Cas was buried. He covered it up then got up and left.

He knew Cas was watching over him, he was filled with a certain peace.

Dean walked off and hopped back onto his bike. He drove, knowing what he wanted. His conscious was clear. He needed Cas but couldn’t go on.

Dean sped down the road determinedly. He closed his eyes then let go of the handles, the motorcycle spun wildly then drifted off the road. It ran into a pole; Dean was flung off. He wasn’t wearing a helmet.

His body lay there, crippled and broken. He felt death taking him, his body was dissolving. He was finally free. Dean closed his eyes and smiled. This was what he wanted, he didn’t want to go on. He didn’t want to let the PTSD take a hold of him, then have people throw him in a mental institution. He was afraid of becoming a monster, a simple shadow of the past. Afraid of lashing out uncontrollably and hurting innocent civilians.

He was afraid of people beating him and throw him in prison for loving a man.

Dean just wanted to be free and at peace.

He was fading, the noises around him decreased. He was coming home to Cas.

Dean’s last thought drifted through his head. He saw spots, everything went silent. He was leaving.

_ Castiel, I’ll be joining you soon, my love. We’re going to be together at last. _

Then, everything went black, until there was nothing.

Dean Winchester was gone. 

The forbidden lovers were together at last, in death, for eternity. 


End file.
